The Day After Black Friday

If you guys don't already know this, I work in retail. Still. It's a job that will either kill me early from stress or cause me to lose my mind because I'm holding back so much pent up rage about stupid customers, coworkers, and managers. BUT, the great thing about working in retail is the stories I can produce by the dozen about real people who do stupid things that I cannot exaggerate because the acts are so dumb and petty.

These are my after Black Friday stories.

I've noticed over the last 2 1/2 years of working in my current job that the people who shop on Black Friday are actually polite, patient, and understanding for the most part. Shocking, yes, but also very true. It's the people that shop the day after that I dread. They are rude, impatient, and like to ask stupid questions or argue about unnecessary things. Mind you, NONE of these people are even mad because we are out of something they're looking for! All of their stupidity is based upon things totally unrelated to our Black Friday madness.


THE LADY AND THE SLOW COOKER

Forgive me. I'm a little SLOW today, ha ha.

My coworker was helping a woman on the phone with an issue about a slow cooker. He doesn't use them often and so wasn't sure how to help her and asked if I could take the call. I should have realized, being after Black Friday, that the proper response to his question should have been "Absolutely not." However, I'm naive and thought it would be a quick phone call.

Me: "Good afternoon! How may I help you?"

Customer: "Hi. I had an issue with my Crockpot. My mother made hot stuffing and put it into the Crockpot and turned it on. A half an hour later it wasn't any hotter. It was actually colder! My question is why was it so cold? And is there a temperature I can set it to that it won't cook it any more? Should I just use a microwave, because I can put stuffing in there and it will cook in 30 seconds and stay nice and warm and moist."

Me: "Ok. Just to give you some information, your mother's Crockpot is what is called a slow cooker. It's not meant to heat things up fast. It is designed to slowly cook food in a safe way over a long period of time. That being said, it doesn't heat up quickly. Did she turn it on before putting the food in?"

Customer: "No. She put hot food in and then turned it on. I figured because it was electric it would heat the food up fast, especially since it was on high. So you're saying it doesn't heat up food?"

Me: "No. What I'm saying is that it's  not like a microwave in that it won't heat food up imme..."

Customer: "But I don't understand how the food was colder after turning it on. It was on high."

Me: "Well, she put hot food into a cold ceramic container. If you put any hot substance into a cold container, it will get cold. It's no diifer..."

Customer: "Maybe I should just use a microwave. It doesn't makes sense why it got colder, even after 1/2 an hour."

Me: "It's the same as if you dump hot water into a cold mug. It will get colder because the mug is colder.

Customer: "But she had it on high."

Me: "It's the same as if you dump hot water into a cold pan and then turn on the stove. The water will get colder until the po....

Customer: "I thought Crockpots were supposed to heat food up fast and keep food warm. They're electric! My microwave works faster."

Me: (trying to not scream because she interrupts me and talks over me every step of the way) "It is called a slow cooker. Crockpot is a brand name. Slow cookers heat up slowly to safely cook food over a long period of time. They do keep food warm, BUT unless you are heating up food in them from the start, or turn them on first and get them warm, they will not work the way you want. If you put boiling water into a cold pot and then turn on the stove the water will get colder until the stove heats up the pan. It's the same concept with a slow cooker. If you dump a hot item into a cold ceramic bowl and then turn it on, the food will actually cool off until the appliance heats up the bowl first. I sugg.."

Customer: "We were very disappointed because we had to wait longer. It even dried out the food and cooked it!"

Me: "That is because she set it to a cooking temperature. Warm keeps things warm. Low, medium, and High are designed to cook. I suggest she turns the slow cooker on FIRST, while cooking, so that the container heats up, and THEN after the food is done to transfer it to the slow cooker. It will stay warm on the Warm setting and not cook further."

INSERT 5 MORE MINUTES OF HER INTERRUPTING ME AND ME SAYING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER.

Customer: "Oh. Ok. I get it." *CLICK*

Not even a goodbye or thank you for me wasting 15 minutes explaining that hot things get colder when placed in cold things. You'd think older women would understand basic cooking and physics.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TECHNOLOGY ADVANCES TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN STRANGLE YOU THROUGH THIS PHONE.

THE MAN WHO DIDN'T WANT A GIFT RECEIPT

You underestimate the level of my crotchetiness.

I feel as though I need to point out none of this is an exaggeration, nor am I conveniently leaving out details to make it seem more ridiculous. This is how it happened.

My coworker was at the service desk ringing out an elderly gentleman's items. Following our procedure, she asks if he would like a gift receipt. Her first mistake was coming to work at all.

Coworker: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Yes."

Coworker: "Would you like a gift receipt?"

Customer: "What?! NO! I DON'T need a gift receipt! I just want a regular receipt!"

Coworker: "That's fine. We just ask in case you need to give anything as a gift or need to ret..."

Customer: "I SAID I DON'T NEED ONE. I just want a REGULAR RECEIPT!!"

*My manager was behind her and decided to step in to maybe try and calm the old man down. His first mistake was thinking he could make anything better.

Manager: "We simply ask as a courtesy that way if you need to bring an item back, you have an easy way to..."

Customer: *points his finger at my manager* "LOOK. I wasn't talking TO YOU. I was talking TO HER. I don't need you jumping in here and YELLING AT ME."

And then the universe turned in on itself and imploded because we asked a question and then tried to explain why we asked.

Go ahead. Ask me if I'd like my receipt in the bag or with me. I DARE YOU.

THE WOMAN WHO COULDN'T OPEN A TRASH CAN

I'M SO ANGRY I COULD JUST SHIT IN YOUR TRASH CAN

Honestly, I understand this woman's plight. It's annoying when you want to try out something and it isn't put together and you can't seem to get it right yourself. The lids for these trash cans are hard to get on. But I offered to help her. This woman decided to try to guilt me and try to play the victim. Too bad for her I spoke to a woman earlier who couldn't work a slow cooker and had used up my store of sympathy.

Me: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Would you like a gift receipt?"

Customer: "Nope. It's for me." *slams money down on counter.

Me: "Receipt with you or in the bag?"

Customer: "With me. You know, I'm really disappointed. I would have gotten the black one but I was stuck with the grey one."

Me: "I'm sorry. Would you like me to have someone get one down for you?"

Customer: "NO. I could reach it. The lids weren't put on, and I couldn't figure out how to get them on, so I had to just get this grey one!"

Me: "I'm sorry. Would you like me to get one and put the lid on for you? They are tricky."

Customer: "NO. I just think you should not take the lids off because people like me are over there messing with them and can't get them on. You'd sell more if the lids were on."

Me: "We get them in without the lids on so that we can stack them."

Customer: "They WERE NOT STACKED."

Me: "No, I'm sorry, I mean to stack them on the top." *I point to our top stock where ALL THE FUCKING EXTRA TRASH CANS ARE. Stacked.

Customer: "Oh. Well STILL it's a bad idea to not keep the lids on because I'm sure plenty of people like me can't get them on and you lose sales because of it."

Me: "OK. Would you like me to get one and put the lid on? We can do a quick exchange."

Customer: "No."

Rocket science in its most complex form. Don't even bother asking for help.

I hate the day after Black Friday. I hope to soon never work in retail again.

I Hate You: A Heartfelt Letter

 Dear Sir Who Pounded on My Customer Service Desk to Get My Attention,

I hate you. Not the regular kind of hate. A special kind of hate just for you, because you're a special kind of guy.

Rather than politely waiting for me to walk up from one of my many time consuming projects (because working customer service in retail means you do everything on top of working customer service), you decided to pound on the desk loudly and shout for the store to hear, "HELLOOO?!?!??? I'M WAITING TO SHOP!!" You weren't standing there unattended for long.

Of course, you couldn't have known that I just looked up a moment ago and you weren't there. You also couldn't know that shouting like that made you sound like a petulant 4 year old. You certainly couldn't know that, after being summoned like a servant, and then scolded with, "IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING PEOPLE??!" that I wouldn't want to help you at all. I bet it didn't even occur to you that being that rude would make you look like the asshole in this situation and not me. I'm sorry you looked like a douche.

It's really too bad you didn't have a bell to ding. It would have relieved you of the stress of standing alone for 5 seconds. I bet you're a champ. You're a go getter. You shout for help like a mugger has stolen your purse and you just don't know how to go on.

I promise in the future to never look away from the front in case you happen to walk in and need immediate attention. My 8 hour day dealing with returns, complaints, and a constant barrage of stupid questions and requests from both my coworkers, managers, and customers is incomplete without your 2 cents.

Thank you for showing me what an inconsiderate and unhelpful employee I am because I happened to not see you and didn't rush to your side like a hero.

Sincerely,

Me, the Customer Service Person Who Hates You



Below: How Christmas Looks to Me Working In Retail

EXCUSE ME I HAVE A MILLION QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU AND A LOT OF STORIES TO GO ALONG WITH THEM IN FULL DETAIL. ALSO, WHEN DO YOU OPEN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THE INTERNET.

I NEEDED HELP GETTING ONE THING DOWN!! YOU PROMISED TO SEND SOMEONE OVER! I WAITED FOR 5 SECONDS AND NOBODY CAME!!

THESE FLOWERS ARE ORANGE RED!!! I ASKED FOR RED ORANGE!!!

WHERE ARE THE MINI PIE PANS???!!!! THEY WERE IN THE FLYER SO YOU MUST HAVE THEM EVEN THOUGH THOUSANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE GOT THE FLYER!!!!

SAVE THE PLASTIC TREES!

Hi! I'm back! I have a short attention span, so I lost interest in writing. I'm just gonna keep going and maybe someone will see it!

I had a really unusual thing happen at work the other day. We have plastic bags. Most stores do. A lot have recyclable, some have paper still, but in general it's plastic bags. In any case, this same thing happened with 3 different people, 3 different times of the day, and all 3 between the ages of 30 and 50. They had the same exact response.

I was just doing my cashier thing:

Me: "Hi! How're you doing today?"

Customer: "Good!"

Me: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Sure did."

Me: "Do you need a gift receipt?"

*I have to ask a LOT of fucking questions

Customer: "No thank you."

Me: "OK, your total is *insert total here. Would you like a bag for these?"

Customer: "No thanks. Save a tree."

...save a tree. Save a TREE? Do you mean all the poor plastic trees we cut down every year to make these plastic bags?

Quick! To our hippie mobile! We MUST save all the Polystyrene Trees before they're extinct!

I personally love when people mix their sayings. You save a tree when you choose to NOT waste paper because paper is made from trees. Trees are not made of plastic, dear ones.

I laugh even harder when Kat Von D says, "It's not rocket surgery."

 *Proof of her stupidity here at 5:20

People. Either they are getting dumber, or they have always been this dumb and now we have social media and TV to uncover them all.

puts 'My Husband Is Programming Me'

This one goes out to everybody who knows anything about computer programming.

For the last few weeks, my husband has been reading up on Ruby (a programming language much like Java, but WAY WAY easier) to start a career as a Programmer. I fully support this decision, because he loves computers, and told me about how much he enjoyed his Website Design class in school and how he wanted to go to school for computers initially.

However, one of the quirks about Dave learning something new, or doing something new, is I wind up learning it/doing it with him. Zelda...I'm going through all of them now. Guitar...yep, I'm now doing that, too.

And, of course, programming.

Now, don't think this is me complaining "OH MY GOD, MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO BE INTERESTED IN THE THINGS HE'S DOING. HOW HORRIBLE!" No, actually I think it's awesome that he's so excited about new things he enjoys that he wants me to share in his personal glee. Believe it or not, he hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm super detail-oriented, and like order and love typing. So, when he kept telling me every day for the last few weeks, "Wife, I really think you should read this programming book. I honestly think you'll like it," I figured it would be easier to just go ahead and start it just to shut him up.

And then I discovered the joy of programming.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of Ruby and Command Prompt,                   watcharakun
I will fear no DEL/ code.

Here is why I have decided that programming is something I could totally do in my spare time.

Now I know why you programmers giggle so much.

I am TOTALLY MATURE IN MY STUDIES.

The Burp from Dinners Past

Sometimes, you eat a meal that is so delicious that all you want to do is eat it again, and again, and again forever. Unfortunately for anatomical reasons, you obviously cannot continue to eat indefinitely because you'll eat yourself sick. Unless, like in Hunger Games, you choose to drink a drink that will purge your stomach and then you can keep eating and eating.

This is where burps come into play. I love when I eat a delicious steak, or taco, or SUPER BOWL CHILI (thanks Mom) and I get to revisit the deliciousness later when, inevitably, I burp. Mmmmm. Say what you will, but you KNOW you love the Rebound Burp. Like all rebounds, it's a way to satisfy your needs without having to worry about the commitment. Because, really, you're going to move on to another meal  with better burps.

Don't judge. You sniff your burps in your hand, too.            Hal Brindley

Yet, there are those horrible meals you eat (particularly fishy fish, bad meatballs, or cabbage) that, no matter how much you want to forget them, they just come back to haunt you. Via burps. Much like a stalker, it just keeps coming back until you sign a restraining order (or just eat a Tums).

Applebee's, I used to love your ribs. Because the burps tasted of delicious, delicious Applebee's BBQ sauce. But, alas, your sauce has since become runny, and now all I taste is so-so rib meat burps. 3 hours later.

Where do you go.....

My riblets.....

Where do you go...?

I wanna know :-(           Ambro

There Are Elves Among Us

It's been a while since I've posted. I could say it was personal stuff, but honestly I'm just lazy and lost interest. I'm not cut out to be a full-time blogger.

Anyway, so I hate people sometimes. Why I choose to work in an industry that forces me to interact with lots of different people is beyond me. Well, I'll be honest, I don't really WANT to choose it, but because apparently the skills I've learned through retail don't apply to careers, I am forced to choose retail over and over because my resume reflects only retail experience.

I also hate hiring managers that overlook retail experience as not being "work-related experience".

Moving on. There is a disc cleaner in our store. It takes care of light surface scratches and fingerprints. It literally scratches the disc more, and then buffs it shiny. When your disc is scratched, the light sensor in  your player jumps and skips over them, kinda like if you were running and there were huge cracks in the ground that you had to leap over. The machine scratches the disc all over, and then buffs it smooth. So, like if the asphalt crew came in, ground up the cracks in the road and made it even (no new asphalt). There is a machine that resurfaces discs (puts new asphalt down, if you will). But that takes longer than just the buffing machine. And we don't have that.

I wish we didn't have this sometimes.

So, needless to say, it's not a GOOD THING to put shiny, clean discs into the cleaner. I refuse to. There's an old guy who looks like a Keebler elf who comes into our store to rent movies. He demands we clean all his discs. But the one looked fine on the bottom. No scratches. I rotated in all sorts of directions in the light to make sure. SO OF COURSE HE COMES BACK THE NEXT DAY. Says that he told "that girl" (me) to clean the disc and I refused and said it was fine. My manager looked at it, said it looked fine, and we try to not over clean discs because it's not good for them. But the guy said, "I AM A CUSTOMER AND I SAID TO DO IT AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT I SAY."

So he demanded his money back (which we never do), and we gave him his money back (to shut him the hell up).

I hate people. This guy was a shrimp, old, with huge buggy glasses and looked and sounded like he probably sat at home with dirty movies by himself because nobody else wants go to his tree and hang out with the other elves. Despite all the delicious cookies he probably makes.

"GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK, YOU WHORE!"             Keebler

Also, go check out my jewelry, because it's awesome and goes great with clothes, and skin, and all sorts of delightful bodily things!

Review of Reviewers

I'm pretty nerdy when it comes to reading. I love to read, because for me it's like watching a movie playing in front of my eyes, but it's my imagination forming the pictures from the words. I can lose myself in a book so thoroughly that I'll start to feel the emotions of the characters, the adrenaline from an action scene.

I also can get very protective of authors. Because I get so into books, I feel the need to defend an author's masterpiece. A lot of people do this. So this review is for the terrible reviewers of the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy: Mockingjay.

!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS OR WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE, I'M GONNA RUIN BOTH FOR YOU BECAUSE THIS IS ENTIRELY ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THE BOOKS!

Now that that's out of the way, I very much hate how people are flogging Mockingjay with poor reviews. A lot of people say that it was "disappointing", "whiny", "less exciting that the first two". I agree with all of those statements, but for completely different reasons, for positive reasons, if you will.

Let me explain.

The first book sets a post-apocalyptic scene with a 16 year old girl Katniss who is tired of the poverty and oppression in her life. She and thousands of boys and girls from ages 12-18 must enter their names into a pool to be chosen for  the Hunger Games, a punishment for the past rebellion of the Districts against the Capitol. One boy and one girl from 12 Districts. They fight to the death in an arena, until one person is left, and their District receives food for the year until the next games. Hence Hunger Games.

When Katniss's sister is chosen in her first year putting her name into the pool, Katniss steps in to take her place, and is given a mockingjay medallion to wear. She goes to the games, and through an exciting series of trials, near death experiences, and pure cunning, she and the boy from her district, Peeta, survive and are both permitted to live. She suddenly finds herself becoming a symbol for the few rebels who still have hope of a world without the Capitol. Her mockingjay becomes her identity for change. She begins to fall in love with Peeta.

The second book finds Katniss and Peeta living wealthy, but not happily. The Capitol's President suspects her impending treason and decide that, for the 75th anniversary of the Hunger Games, they will throw all of the old winners' names into a pool and select them again. Peeta and Katniss go back to the Hunger Games, with a new series of challenges far more horrific than ever before. They manage to rally together and form a pact with a few from other districts to stay alive. Katniss discovers the invisible barrier to the arena and their team create a way to escape. Katniss is saved and finds herself in the hands of the rebels, but Peeta is captured and tortured by the Capitol. She realizes how deeply she feels for him.

Now to the third book. The third book is entirely about Katniss's struggle against being a prop for the rebellion, but trying to take down the Capitol, helping to save lives of thousands who believe in her, their mockingjay. Often she has nightmares, is depressed, and not the strong character she was in the first two books. She seems to have unraveled, and when Peeta is saved from the Capitol., she finds his mind has been "hacked", and he has been poisoned against her, to believe she is the problem and should be killed. After much internal struggle, she makes plans to attack the Capitol and kill the President, thus inspiring the rebels to attack. The Capitol's president is captured and sentenced to death after a trial, but Katniss discovered that the leader of the rebellion has decided to reinstate the Hunger Games as a punishment for the Capitol's crimes. Katniss kills the leader, and after awaiting trial, is released to go home to her district. The epilogue fills in how, though Peeta remembers how much he loves her and they get married and have children, he still has the urge to kill her every once in a while, and somberly Katniss remembers the people who died as her children run through the fields.

Super long, I know, but I had to describe them. The third book is less exciting and uplifting than the other two. It reads more like a losing battle than a defeat of the oppression of the Capitol and Hunger Games. But let me put it this way:  war sucks for everyone. Although we may have succeeded in killing Osama, we still have the scars of 9/11. People who go to war and come back having won are never the same. It is not the same happy world for them. And yes, damn it, of course by the third book Katniss is distraught and less strong. SHE'S FUCKING 16. AND KILLED HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE. AND WATCHED PEOPLE DIE HORRIFIC DEATHS.

The third book is a realistic look at what winning such a battle actually is for the people who fought. And she is so young, and has no happy memories of a good childhood, that the two Hunger Games just destroyed her. It's not triumphant. It's not the slightest bit satisfying as a happy ending, but boy is it real. And that is why I hate that people say it was terrible. Because guess what, war is terrible, just in case you didn't know.

Want a happy ending? Watch a Disney movie. But not Up, because that movie is depressing as shit.

Also, my husband put out his metal cover of Rihanna's S&M, and it's AMAZING. So go buy it and his metal cover of E.T., because that is ALSO AMAZING!!!!