War of 2012 (A.K.A. My Body Is Attacking Me)

One of the things I miss most about college are drinking games. Like Kings. That game was awesome. Especially the one "Never Have I Ever". You'd say something ridiculous that nobody would do (or to be an asshole, say something you KNOW somebody did to call them out....never did that....) and then whoever drinks, did it.

How I think I look playing Kings.              Photostock

How I actually look playing Kings.                           Dundee Photographics

Well, this post isn't about drinking, but it was a nice segue into the real topic:

Never have I ever felt so achy that my butt hurt when I farted.

Here is where I take a drink. Because that totally happened today. I don't really care if anyone thinks that's a TMI because I don't really expect anybody to be reading my blog (but I see some of you out there are, so thanks and I'm retroactively sorry you have to experience this with me!)

I woke up feeling so achy I wanted to cry. It's that kind of ache before you actually get sick where it feels like your nerves are carrying out a plot to escape your body from every possible and inconceivable part of it. You could be standing and your heels ache, so you sit down and your butt aches. I don't even feel sick, but my body has decided that was unacceptable behavior for winter.

Go kill yourself, nerves.

Oh wait, no, don't do that. I like the feeling of grass between my toes. Damn!

Anyway, I have added more neat jewelry to my Etsy site, and somebody just bought a necklace. Somebody I don't even know! And I'd like to think it's related to me posting it on my blog, and somebody didn't want me to end up in a crack house. So, with that in mind, support my proactive decision to not need to go to rehab and buy my shit!

Buy it for when you want to feel royal. Or the queen is coming.

I'd Like a Marriage, Side of Dog, No Kids

Am I part of the only married couple alive that don't want kids? Ever?

Don't get me wrong. I love my nephews. Lucas is the cutest baby ever and I love holding him and playing with him, and making him smile when he cries, and feeding him. Conor is adorable, and sure, I'll even wipe his snot-spewing nose. And I respect everyone who wants them for themselves! I don't scoff at people who have screaming kids. More power to you, honestly. Carry on the family name/blood line. Whatever.

But, we do not foresee ever wanting kids. EVER EVER.

Here is my list of reasons why not:

1. We're too selfish. We like spending money on us, buying unnecessary shit for ourselves, taking trips to wherever and whenever, and never having to worry about finding a babysitter.

2. I don't want to do the whole stretch marks, bigger feet, and "get fat for 9 months then pretend I'm going to try to work it off" thing that all pregnant women do. Yeah, my boobs are small, but I am small. And I like it. And I'm far too lazy to  run and junk. See my New Year's Resolution: A Revised List.

3. I also don't want to do the birthing process. I'm a sissy when it comes to pain. I nearly ripped off my middle nail (as in, I yanked it up 1/3 from the back and the rest grew out), and almost passed out from the pain. So contractions, no deal. Yeah, I could have my belly sliced, but I don't want a scar. See #2.

4. Kids are a huge responsibility. I can't even remember to take my car in to get inspected. I had it inspected 5 months after, and only because my husband got pulled over and they noticed my inspection was out of date. I've driven my car 5,000 past when the oil change was due because I didn't bother to take it in. I get hamsters, and then get bored with them after the novelty wears off. I am not responsible enough for kids. And it's not a "you change when you have kids" thing. I'm not having kids to change. I will have to change before that, and not in 9 months.

5. Kids are gross. I felt my stomach turn when my mom had to suck snot out of my nephew's nose with one of those sucker things. I held him while she suctioned snot. Uggghhh.

This.                         Imagery Majestic

----------PLUS----------

This. (Yes. That is for sucking snot, not basting a turkey.)


----------EQUALS ---------- 

You try holding a baby during that and not make this face.

But you know what, my biggest pet peeve has got to be everybody who looks at us like we're crazy for not wanting kids, or looks at us pityingly, like we've missed a joke or lost the "Joys of Having Children" lottery. We hear these things all the time. My clock isn't ticking down until I can't have kids. I am not barren (that I know of), and I'm not missing a step to adulthood. I just don't want them. And it especially pisses me off when friends or people I know who are pregnant or have kids make me feel like something's seriously wrong with me for not wanting to be a mother. OH MY GOD FUCKING BIG DEAL I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A VERSION OF MYSELF. At least I don't have kids and wish I hadn't had them. Now that is far sadder. Pity those people.

So back off, people. While you're changing diapers, I'm hanging out having a beer with my husband. And I couldn't be happier.


On a much happier note, I am making jewelry, in case anybody didn't know! I've decided to try using my blog to get my stuff out there. Buy my stuff, because it's awesome, and I'm awesome, and through an extension of those two things, you will also be awesome, because I'll be less poor and won't resort to prostitution or drugs. You don't want that on your conscience.

Go here!

New Year's Resolutions: A Revised List

Alright, so I posted on New Year's a number of things that I was going to work on changing, to better myself, to try new things, blah blah blah. In case you don't feel like clicking the link and reading it (it's kinda long, but laziness is always an accepted excuse), I'll do a quick summary:

1. Whine less (in person)
2. Panic and worry only when necessary
3. Be more active
4. Make more friends
5. Continue to keep contact with friends and family

Cute list, right? Well, just like my brief and well intentioned affairs with planners, some of those resolutions have already fallen by the wayside. I can only keep up the momentum for about a month, then I get bored being well intentioned. So, save for #2 and #5, I'm revising my list slightly.


NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS (FOR PEOPLE TRYING TO NOT BETTER THEMSELVES)

1. Whine more

Whining is hilarious, especially if you're me. When I whine, I tend to turn into this sadistic, sarcastic anti-me who says things like, "Oh my god, don't make me feel bad because your daughter can't watch movies because you're too irresponsible to return those movies we give you the privilege of renting. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SUCK SO HARD AS A HUMAN BEING, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE $60 IN LATE FEES AND DISAPPOINT YOUR DAUGHTER WITH YOUR COLD-HEARTED THOUGHTLESSNESS! WHY DON'T YOU TOP OFF YOUR DAY BY KILLING SOME PUPPIES??"

*My husband came and read this while I was writing it and said, "That's not anti-you. That's totally you." I'm breaking up with him.*

2. Eat like a pig

I love Bagel Bites, and Fruit Smiles from Wally, and Big Macs from McD's, and Wendy's french fries. And although I'm pretty lucky to have a high metabolism, it is failing year by year, so I'm watching how much and what I eat. Which is pretty sucky, to be honest. So, I'm resolving to eat worse, because that isn't sucky. Except for grilled chicken Caesar salads, because they're fuckin awesome.

3. Sleep more, not less

I used to try to get 7-8 hours of sleep. Then I magically discovered that 5-6 worked just as well, if not better because working on little sleep felt like a boost of energy. Then I discovered 10 hours of sleep. Awesome. Besides, experts can't decide if more or less sleep is better for you, so I'm just going to sleep more. Problem solved.

4. Be less nice

When I'm in the car, I try to be too polite, which means that even passive aggressive drivers take advantage of me. Now I scream at them, and when I'm going faster than the speed limit and someone tailgates me, I drive slower than the speed limit. I'm also too nice when it comes to people who try to pull one over on me. Take that lady who tried to get away with only paying a few bucks on a $60 late fee. She paid $10 the last time, yes, but returned movies late that added it back on. She tried making me feel bad that her daughter wouldn't get to watch movies (they were free, but hers were $3). She had the $10, but wouldn't have been able to get hers. Selfish. And rude to try to pit her daughter against me. But I said, "Sorry. I need $10. I know you paid $10 last time, but late returns brought it back up, and if I didn't get at least that, the amount will never go down."

And I don't care how that makes me look. Because people try to pull one over on me because I'm nice EVERY DAY.


So, those some new resolutions for people who suffer from trying to better themselves. Do the opposite! It's so much easier!

Sometimes movies teach poor manners

Have you ever noticed that in movies people will just hang up on the other person without saying goodbye? Especially after they say something rude or the other person says something they don't want to hear?

Ever notice how it seems perfectly normal and nobody gets pissed that they were hung up on?

That is why movies are movies.

I just accidentally the Burt's Beeswax.

I say this to everybody, but I love my nephews. Conor is 2, very clever, and very particular about how he likes things. Lucas is 8 months old and probably the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously, this kid looks at you, and if you smile at him, he smiles and starts to giggle. 

Anyway, so I went over to visit my brother and sister today and Conor was "taking a nap". I quote that because my sister-in-law put him down for a nap an hour before I got there, and he was still awake and talking about wanting to go in the snow. So after another 30 minutes of hoping he'd fall asleep, my brother goes upstairs to get him and take him out to play.

Then we hear him say, "Ooohh, nnoooo."

You know, in that dejected, parental, "Oh god, why did you do that?" kind of voice.

He comes downstairs with him, and as soon as he rounds the corner, I can smell a strong minty sort of odor coming off of Conor from about 8 feet away. Then I see the tube of Burt's Beeswax lip balm in his hand, and suddenly it dawns on me what has happened.

My clever nephew decided to eat a large portion of the lip balm, and subsequently had it all over his face, in his hair, all over his fingers, and had rubbed it into his eyes (probably when wiping away tears when he was supposed to be napping).

Thankfully, Burt's Beeswax is not toxic, and he didn't eat too much of it. Plus, he had the lip balm smeared all over his cheeks, so my chapped lips felt a bit better when I gave him a kiss hello.

This is the same little boy who, 3 hours later, jumps up onto the foot rest and proclaims, "Conor on the hexagon!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I didn't know what a hexagon was when I was 2! And the fact that he recognized the shape of it to be a hexagon was incredible!

Love him.

IRS: I Really Suck, Guys

I hate the IRS. They use long, complicated forms that have long complicated explanations, then you sift through a long list of potentially useful phone numbers and call their help line and the automated system has a long list of vague and complicated options for you to sift through and then when you reach the right option, you wait 20 minutes for someone to confuse the shit out of you, AND when you go onto their website, thinking it'd be easier (because, come on folks, we all turn to the internet for its famed ease of passage), and find it's just as complicated and frustrating as those damn paper forms and the phone calls!

That was a very long run-on sentence that explains why I think the IRS stands for I Really Suck, Guys. The "G" is silent.

Only the IRS could make their website worse than just filling out the stupid paper form. That's why I think the IRS should have a Facebook page, so I can "like" it, then "unlike" it. It would give me a sense of satisfaction to do that, because there is nothing better.




Well, I just checked, and the IRS does, in fact, have a Facebook page. So, I made a small, boring collage of photos of me "liking" then "unliking" it:

They look so happy. Lies.

As if "liking" them isn't enough, they then asked, before confirming my "like", if I would recommend them to friends. I recommended them in my own special way.

Finally, before following proceeding to "unlike", I took notice of how many "likes" they had.
Wow.

I don't care how silly and childish this was. I feel better. Facebook can be therapeutic.

Exercise is just an 8 letter word for suffering...a 9 letter word.

Why I don't walk much in the winter (and subsequently, why I gain weight in the winter):

Have you ever gotten that obnoxious stabby, prickly, itchy, I-WANT-TO-KILL-ALL-THINGS feeling in your legs after walking outside for a while when it's really cold?

Have you ever had that feeling so bad that all you could think about was scratching your legs (which makes it worse, of course) and KILLING ALL THINGS?

I have that.

That is why I avoid walking outside during the winter and gain weight.

Also, exercise is boring and time consuming.

We do come across wonderful sights during our walks, though:

Religious buildings in this city have an odd sense of spirituality...

Then there are signs prohibiting vague things.
We saw no fence, so we also told that sign
to fornicate with itself.

Often, the ground feels it is necessary to tell us where to go.
I tell it to go fornicate with itself.