Wednesday, February 1, 2012

New Year's Resolutions: A Revised List

Alright, so I posted on New Year's a number of things that I was going to work on changing, to better myself, to try new things, blah blah blah. In case you don't feel like clicking the link and reading it (it's kinda long, but laziness is always an accepted excuse), I'll do a quick summary:

1. Whine less (in person)
2. Panic and worry only when necessary
3. Be more active
4. Make more friends
5. Continue to keep contact with friends and family

Cute list, right? Well, just like my brief and well intentioned affairs with planners, some of those resolutions have already fallen by the wayside. I can only keep up the momentum for about a month, then I get bored being well intentioned. So, save for #2 and #5, I'm revising my list slightly.


1. Whine more

Whining is hilarious, especially if you're me. When I whine, I tend to turn into this sadistic, sarcastic anti-me who says things like, "Oh my god, don't make me feel bad because your daughter can't watch movies because you're too irresponsible to return those movies we give you the privilege of renting. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SUCK SO HARD AS A HUMAN BEING, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE $60 IN LATE FEES AND DISAPPOINT YOUR DAUGHTER WITH YOUR COLD-HEARTED THOUGHTLESSNESS! WHY DON'T YOU TOP OFF YOUR DAY BY KILLING SOME PUPPIES??"

*My husband came and read this while I was writing it and said, "That's not anti-you. That's totally you." I'm breaking up with him.*

2. Eat like a pig

I love Bagel Bites, and Fruit Smiles from Wally, and Big Macs from McD's, and Wendy's french fries. And although I'm pretty lucky to have a high metabolism, it is failing year by year, so I'm watching how much and what I eat. Which is pretty sucky, to be honest. So, I'm resolving to eat worse, because that isn't sucky. Except for grilled chicken Caesar salads, because they're fuckin awesome.

3. Sleep more, not less

I used to try to get 7-8 hours of sleep. Then I magically discovered that 5-6 worked just as well, if not better because working on little sleep felt like a boost of energy. Then I discovered 10 hours of sleep. Awesome. Besides, experts can't decide if more or less sleep is better for you, so I'm just going to sleep more. Problem solved.

4. Be less nice

When I'm in the car, I try to be too polite, which means that even passive aggressive drivers take advantage of me. Now I scream at them, and when I'm going faster than the speed limit and someone tailgates me, I drive slower than the speed limit. I'm also too nice when it comes to people who try to pull one over on me. Take that lady who tried to get away with only paying a few bucks on a $60 late fee. She paid $10 the last time, yes, but returned movies late that added it back on. She tried making me feel bad that her daughter wouldn't get to watch movies (they were free, but hers were $3). She had the $10, but wouldn't have been able to get hers. Selfish. And rude to try to pit her daughter against me. But I said, "Sorry. I need $10. I know you paid $10 last time, but late returns brought it back up, and if I didn't get at least that, the amount will never go down."

And I don't care how that makes me look. Because people try to pull one over on me because I'm nice EVERY DAY.

So, those some new resolutions for people who suffer from trying to better themselves. Do the opposite! It's so much easier!

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