Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'd Like a Marriage, Side of Dog, No Kids

Am I part of the only married couple alive that don't want kids? Ever?

Don't get me wrong. I love my nephews. Lucas is the cutest baby ever and I love holding him and playing with him, and making him smile when he cries, and feeding him. Conor is adorable, and sure, I'll even wipe his snot-spewing nose. And I respect everyone who wants them for themselves! I don't scoff at people who have screaming kids. More power to you, honestly. Carry on the family name/blood line. Whatever.

But, we do not foresee ever wanting kids. EVER EVER.

Here is my list of reasons why not:

1. We're too selfish. We like spending money on us, buying unnecessary shit for ourselves, taking trips to wherever and whenever, and never having to worry about finding a babysitter.

2. I don't want to do the whole stretch marks, bigger feet, and "get fat for 9 months then pretend I'm going to try to work it off" thing that all pregnant women do. Yeah, my boobs are small, but I am small. And I like it. And I'm far too lazy to  run and junk. See my New Year's Resolution: A Revised List.

3. I also don't want to do the birthing process. I'm a sissy when it comes to pain. I nearly ripped off my middle nail (as in, I yanked it up 1/3 from the back and the rest grew out), and almost passed out from the pain. So contractions, no deal. Yeah, I could have my belly sliced, but I don't want a scar. See #2.

4. Kids are a huge responsibility. I can't even remember to take my car in to get inspected. I had it inspected 5 months after, and only because my husband got pulled over and they noticed my inspection was out of date. I've driven my car 5,000 past when the oil change was due because I didn't bother to take it in. I get hamsters, and then get bored with them after the novelty wears off. I am not responsible enough for kids. And it's not a "you change when you have kids" thing. I'm not having kids to change. I will have to change before that, and not in 9 months.

5. Kids are gross. I felt my stomach turn when my mom had to suck snot out of my nephew's nose with one of those sucker things. I held him while she suctioned snot. Uggghhh.

This.                         Imagery Majestic


This. (Yes. That is for sucking snot, not basting a turkey.)


You try holding a baby during that and not make this face.

But you know what, my biggest pet peeve has got to be everybody who looks at us like we're crazy for not wanting kids, or looks at us pityingly, like we've missed a joke or lost the "Joys of Having Children" lottery. We hear these things all the time. My clock isn't ticking down until I can't have kids. I am not barren (that I know of), and I'm not missing a step to adulthood. I just don't want them. And it especially pisses me off when friends or people I know who are pregnant or have kids make me feel like something's seriously wrong with me for not wanting to be a mother. OH MY GOD FUCKING BIG DEAL I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A VERSION OF MYSELF. At least I don't have kids and wish I hadn't had them. Now that is far sadder. Pity those people.

So back off, people. While you're changing diapers, I'm hanging out having a beer with my husband. And I couldn't be happier.

On a much happier note, I am making jewelry, in case anybody didn't know! I've decided to try using my blog to get my stuff out there. Buy my stuff, because it's awesome, and I'm awesome, and through an extension of those two things, you will also be awesome, because I'll be less poor and won't resort to prostitution or drugs. You don't want that on your conscience.

Go here!

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