It's 11PM, Do You Know Where Your Drunk Friend Is?

Everybody has their share of awesome college stories. Times they got drunk and did stupid stuff, times they did stupid stuff sober, police run ins, drug-fueled misadventures (thank you Robert Brockway), and the list goes on and on.

Well, I personally have a great lesson in why you should always lock your dorm room door. For once, this was NOT something I thought I was seeing in my sleep (see I See Dead People...). I warn all my cute little college bound cousins and friends about the dangers of leaving your door unlocked at night. What if you thought you did everything right, but everything turns out so very very wrong?


Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story:

The Tale of Some Drunk Bitch In My Bed.


It was a cold December evening. My roommate and I had our last final of our Sophomore year, Music History, at 8 AM, and were about as prepared as anybody was who took Music History. So, pretty much winging it at that point. In fact, rather than study, we took pictures of ourselves sprawled in the hallway with bottles of Jones Soda surrounding us as if we were passed out. We were thorough. We took the labels off.

Ah memories.

Anyway,  I slept on the top bunk and usually used a special corner of my desk that wasn't cluttered to climb up into it. For once, the desk was completely clear, so getting into bed was easy. We even decided it was time to unplug our Christmas lights, which we left on 24/7 to leave a pleasant glow while we slept, as well as avoid my snapping my spine climbing down the bunk to go pee at night. We thought we had locked the door, because we always locked the door.

Let me recap here:

Clear desk.
No lights.
Unlocked door.

                                       I search for "DANGER", and this is what I get.                                       Marco Torresin

At around 3 AM, I wake up to the feeling of someone watching me. Startled, I look up to see my roommate, who giggles, and then slithers head first under my covers with me. Totally creeped out, I lift the covers and say, "Ang...what are you doing?" She responds with a giggle and pulls the covers back over her face. I notice a strong smell of alcohol emanating from her covered face, which strikes me as odd, because we went to bed at the same time, and she was definitely sober.

Not being one to judge (and finding it next to impossible to get her out of my bed), I think, "Fine. If she's going to sleep in MY bed, I'm just going to sleep in hers" and climb down. After I hop off of my desk, I start towards her bed when I notice, shockingly, my roommate Ang sleeping in her bed.

Imagine expecting this but seeing the person who should                  Photostock

         have been in your bed in her bed. Yep.

Seeing as how it's 3 AM and I'm still groggy, my first impulse is to scream "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GOD DAMN GHOST IN MY BED!!!" Opting for a quieter, much saner route, I whisper in a panic,

"Ang. Ang! There's a girl in my bed!"

My roommate, having experienced my sleep talking, says in all seriousness, "Are you awake?"
I whisper less quietly, "Of course I am! What the hell kind of question is that?"
"Hey Roomie?"
"Yeah Ang?"
"There's a girl in your bed."

                                           YOU THINK????!!!                                  Graur Codrin

Resisting the impulse to throw something at her, I go turn on the light while she gets up to investigate. I hear her start to giggle as soon as I turn the light on and I ask her what's so funny.

Then she lifted the sheets.

It's less cute when you replace a teddy bear with a passed out 21 year old stranger, unless, of course, you're a guy,

My mysterious and drunken bed thief had wet herself. She had turned 21 that night and was sleeping in the RA's room, and perhaps wet herself on the way to the bathroom and walked 3 doors down to our room. Apparently before she decided to be my bed buddy, she tried to climb into bed with my roommate, who thought it was me being weird and sleep walking. She then sat, with her pee soaked self, in my desk chair and stared at Ang until perhaps it seemed she should try for the top bunk instead.

After convincing her she needed to go back to the RA's room, I got 3 more hours of sleep on the floor before my stupid final.


Extra points if you picked up on the 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' reference.

I See Dead People...

Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I have night terrors. What are these, you might wonder?

I'm too lazy to explain the whole thing, so here's a link to what it is in its entirety. Basically, I wake up screaming thinking I've seen something (almost always spiders). I'm still sorta asleep, and I always vaguely remember it when I wake up the next day.

Also, apparently it's a thing mostly for kids. Which makes it even sadder that I'm afflicted with it. I think this means I've never quite grown up.

My poor husband has dealt with this since we started dating. I'd be snuggled next to him, sleeping peacefully, and then I would think I'd see a spider crawling up my arm, up the pillow, down the wall, and I'd start to quietly scream and quick turn on the lights to find the damn thing. If it wasn't for him, I probably would never get back to sleep, because he always reassures me that there is and never was any spider. Then I go back to sleep.

Well, recently, I had a nasty stress headache due to the fact that I might become a store manager. Now now, as angry as I get about customers, believe it or not, I'm great at my job and people almost always leave happy. I just have lots of internal malcontent and disbelief at the way people act when they aren't working. It's appalling. I'm NICER than usual when shopping.

Anyway, I have NO IDEA why, instead of a spider, I saw half of an eggshell on my knee, but I did. And for some reason, it falling off of my knee and landing on the bed freaked me out. So Dave comes running in (because he heard my usual "aaaaAAAAAaaAAAAAH!" that happens when I'm about to wake up in a panic), and asked what was wrong. With all the sensibility of one who is asleep, I say:

Me: "There was a half shell on my knee."
Dave: "A half shell?"
Me: "Yes, and it fell off. Is it on the bed?"
Dave: "No."
Me: "Is it on the floor?"
Dave: "No."
Me: "Oh. Ok."

I fell back asleep and don't remember anything else, but apparently that wasn't the end. My husband said one last thing:

Dave: "Heroes in a half shell..."
Me: "Turtle power."

Only my better half would take advantage of my unconscious state at such an opportune moment.

Plus, I totally do that to him when he talks in his sleep. You should try it sometime.

I'm a Little Bit Obsessive, I'm a Little Bit Compulsive

Everybody's a little obsessive-compulsive. That's what a person who is obsessive-compulsive says to justify being obsessive-compulsive.

Me? Yep. Totally have a little OCD in me. I notice how the painting in our living room looks like it's crooked because the futon mattress below it is crooked. I hate when my husband leaves the lights on in every room he leaves. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TURN THE BATHROOM LIGHT OFF, DAVE??!!

ALL THE LIGHTS!!                                                                             Winnond

In fact, I'm going to make a list of ways you know you have OCD.

YOU MAY HAVE OCD:

1. If you have anxiety about anybody but you mixing the ingredients for Russian Tea because they might mix them in the wrong order/measurements and make it taste WRONG.
2. If you unconsciously repeat a silly phrase or word or name over and over and don't realize you're saying it out loud or that you've even been saying it in the first place. Plllacce. Plllaacce. Placeplaceplace. Plasssaaayaah!
3. If you over think the order in which you wash your hair, face, and shave in the shower.
4. If you over think EVERY SINGLE THING that could possibly have an order to it (cooking, cleaning, dressing). Clean sink, toilet, shower, floor. NO OTHER ORDER.
5. When you feel anxiety or frustration over the simplest changes to your routine or schedule. I personally hate when I leave at exactly 10 minutes until my shift starts, and this little old lady going 10 under the speed limit makes me less than 5 minutes early. I go into KILL KILL mode.
6. When your husband asks you, "Should we get a Student Driver car for our next vehicle so you can control the brakes when I drive?"...every other time you go anywhere in the car.

I never realized I was like that, until my husband lovingly mentioned it. Then when I thought about it, I realized HOLY CRAP I'M OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! Now I notice it in everything I do. But, I also try harder to squash the need to correct when my husband brakes, merges into another lane, uses his turn signal, speeds through a yellow light, doesn't slow down as much as I do when making a t....Hm. Maybe he's just a terrible driver.

Anyway, I know that a lot of bloggers post things they like that they think other people should/might like. I'm going to do that, because I often find ridiculous videos/pictures/songs on the internets and think other people would get a kick out them.

I say ALL OF THESE THINGS

If we ever decide we want to spawn, this will be our guide to successfully raising kids. Notice the Millennium Falcon in the background.

We'd totally do this if we had a dog.

Dear, I found this photo from that trip we took when Billy broke his arm...

I got this from The Bloggess and wanted to share it with you!

And here's a cover of it. I can't decide which I like better.

Finally, check out my jewelry! It'd make for a good present for you or your significant other, a niffty way to carry your keys, AND I could feed my shoe fix. You don't want me to go shoe hungry, do you? DO YOU??

You know you want it.

Hope your weekend was fun!

My Neighbors: An Auditory Journey

So, my husband and I live in a crappy apartment, in a neighborhood that is on the border of dying commercial and "the bad side of town". Honestly, I'm shocked that nobody's broken the windows out of my car yet. I think the people who live around us are busy screaming and yelling at each other, outside, where my husband and I gleefully watch them have their domestic dispute from our windows, inside. We don't have cable. Don't judge.

                                     Our Jersey Shore, minus the carrot and                 Photostock
add more screaming and fist throwing

Anyway, our apartment does have some interesting features. It has giant ugly radiators that do a surprisingly good job heating our crappy apartment, decent insulation, copious amounts of outlets, and relatively new windows. That's where the good attributes end. Let me list the negatively interesting features:

1. Many brownish ceiling tiles. That were once white. That leak water when the upstairs neighbor takes a bath. Ew.

These are over the stove.

2. A little 3'X3' stove with absolutely no temperatures on the dials. No, not worn off. NONE PUT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Hi I'm cute, inefficient, and make guesswork in cooking a daily practice!

3. A random hole in the wall where, perhaps, a dryer might have been. In the kitchen.

WHY ARE YOU HERE??!!!!

4. A random 4'X2' rectangular hole in the closet of our bathroom, which leads into the concrete space behind the shower.

I didn't take a picture of our basement. That is where our downstairs neighbor lives.
This is in our bathroom closet, where our towels and things go. There is no door for it.
We keep the closet door closed and locked.

And finally (to reach the point of my post), thin floors.

Sorry. I didn't have a picture to indicate thin floors. Use your imagination, children.

You have no idea how thin. People always say, "OMG THEY ARE SO LOUD I SWEAR I CAN HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING." Well, you people who say that and are exaggerating, I CAN hear exactly what my neighbor is saying, whether he's talking loudly or not.

Our floors are so thin I can hear him talking as if he's in the next room. If I'm in the bathroom peeing and he happens to have to go at the same time, I CAN HEAR HIM PEEING LIKE HE'S THERE WITH ME. You have no idea how creepy that is. And how hard it is to pee knowing he can hear you, too.

My neighbor is a smoker. Our bathroom reeks of cigarettes because he smokes in or near there. He either has emphysema, pneumonia, bronchitis, or a combination of the three, because I hear him coughing nasty phlegmy coughs and hacking up snot for HOURS every morning. It's so loud it wakes me up like an alarm.

Then there was that month where he randomly let a friend with a toddler and a baby stay over. Remember how I told you I can hear everything he says? I could also hear everything the baby screamed, the toddler screamed, and the mom and my neighbor screamed at the toddler and baby. It got to the point where we considered calling the cops because there was just so much yelling. Who tells a baby to "shut the fuck up"? Apparently my neighbor. Don't even justify it. As stressful as having kids is, you don't do that kind of stuff. Good parents don't scream profanities at crying babies.

Rubber glove hand says NO                       Ambro

He also invites his very loud friend over, and I'm fairly certain they're both stoned when they get together. The conversation goes as such:

Neighbor: "Mnuyo wmoyonuyo wom wom wom, maaan."
Friend: "Wudsa buynyum woommoyououzzu!"
Neighbor: "NAAAAAAH...nyum byumnuggwuyoo, maaan."
Friend: "?????????????????"
Neighbor: "???!!!?!!!?!?!?!?!!?????, maaaaaaan"

I wonder if they actually know what words the other is saying, or if it's like cavemen and, really, all grunts mean the same thing. It's like listening to a conversation between two Rocky Balboas.

"Mubmnyuwooza wuzauuup, maaaan."                            Wikipedia

"Om nom nom nom nom, dude."                       Source

Completely ridiculous. We'd move if it weren't so expensive. And entertaining.

Breaking Dawn: Acting Tips from Kristen Stewart

Hi. My name is Kristen Stewart. You may know me from such films as:

Panic Room

Zathura

But most of you probably know me most recently as Bella in Twilight.

Twilight

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering, "Is it hard being half of one of the most famous fictional couples to date?" The answer is yes. It's a lot to live up to, being Bella. I have to reach deep down inside for inspiration to draw on to be a love struck teenage girl. Sometimes I think of really sad things to help me feel agony.

Here I'm thinking about when I stubbed my toe 

Or lovey things when I'm in love.

Here I'm thinking about how much I love Robert.

Those are just a few, though. I'm going to help out some fellow acting fans who want to know my secrets. I'm going to give just a few pictures of the different ways I show emotion, along with some thoughts I'd been having to really help me feel those feelings and stuff.

He's going to kill me, so naturally I was terrified. I wanted to show fear, so here I thought about that time I saw a spider in the kitchen.

I was confused why Edward would leave me, being my undead soul mate and all, so I remembered  taking a really hard math test to convey unfathomable confusion.

In this scene I just woke up from the best night of love making with my new husband. I thought of that awesome burrito I ate the other day. Really, it was that good.

I'm so happy with my Edward here. In this shot I...oh...I'm not acting here. Huh. Never mind.

This is a good one. Probably some of my best acting. Here, Edward and I are consummating our relationship for the first time as husband and wife. I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking, but you can really see the ecstasy on my face here.

Anyway, those are just some of the ways that I have found help when you're having trouble getting the emotion on your face when you're acting. I'd like to think of myself as a very emotionally diverse actress, but I don't want to seem cocky.

I hope this helps.

XO,

Kristen

P.S. You should check out By Your Heart Jewelry at Etsy.com. It's awesome stuff.

War of 2012 (A.K.A. My Body Is Attacking Me)

One of the things I miss most about college are drinking games. Like Kings. That game was awesome. Especially the one "Never Have I Ever". You'd say something ridiculous that nobody would do (or to be an asshole, say something you KNOW somebody did to call them out....never did that....) and then whoever drinks, did it.

How I think I look playing Kings.              Photostock

How I actually look playing Kings.                           Dundee Photographics

Well, this post isn't about drinking, but it was a nice segue into the real topic:

Never have I ever felt so achy that my butt hurt when I farted.

Here is where I take a drink. Because that totally happened today. I don't really care if anyone thinks that's a TMI because I don't really expect anybody to be reading my blog (but I see some of you out there are, so thanks and I'm retroactively sorry you have to experience this with me!)

I woke up feeling so achy I wanted to cry. It's that kind of ache before you actually get sick where it feels like your nerves are carrying out a plot to escape your body from every possible and inconceivable part of it. You could be standing and your heels ache, so you sit down and your butt aches. I don't even feel sick, but my body has decided that was unacceptable behavior for winter.

Go kill yourself, nerves.

Oh wait, no, don't do that. I like the feeling of grass between my toes. Damn!

Anyway, I have added more neat jewelry to my Etsy site, and somebody just bought a necklace. Somebody I don't even know! And I'd like to think it's related to me posting it on my blog, and somebody didn't want me to end up in a crack house. So, with that in mind, support my proactive decision to not need to go to rehab and buy my shit!

Buy it for when you want to feel royal. Or the queen is coming.

I'd Like a Marriage, Side of Dog, No Kids

Am I part of the only married couple alive that don't want kids? Ever?

Don't get me wrong. I love my nephews. Lucas is the cutest baby ever and I love holding him and playing with him, and making him smile when he cries, and feeding him. Conor is adorable, and sure, I'll even wipe his snot-spewing nose. And I respect everyone who wants them for themselves! I don't scoff at people who have screaming kids. More power to you, honestly. Carry on the family name/blood line. Whatever.

But, we do not foresee ever wanting kids. EVER EVER.

Here is my list of reasons why not:

1. We're too selfish. We like spending money on us, buying unnecessary shit for ourselves, taking trips to wherever and whenever, and never having to worry about finding a babysitter.

2. I don't want to do the whole stretch marks, bigger feet, and "get fat for 9 months then pretend I'm going to try to work it off" thing that all pregnant women do. Yeah, my boobs are small, but I am small. And I like it. And I'm far too lazy to  run and junk. See my New Year's Resolution: A Revised List.

3. I also don't want to do the birthing process. I'm a sissy when it comes to pain. I nearly ripped off my middle nail (as in, I yanked it up 1/3 from the back and the rest grew out), and almost passed out from the pain. So contractions, no deal. Yeah, I could have my belly sliced, but I don't want a scar. See #2.

4. Kids are a huge responsibility. I can't even remember to take my car in to get inspected. I had it inspected 5 months after, and only because my husband got pulled over and they noticed my inspection was out of date. I've driven my car 5,000 past when the oil change was due because I didn't bother to take it in. I get hamsters, and then get bored with them after the novelty wears off. I am not responsible enough for kids. And it's not a "you change when you have kids" thing. I'm not having kids to change. I will have to change before that, and not in 9 months.

5. Kids are gross. I felt my stomach turn when my mom had to suck snot out of my nephew's nose with one of those sucker things. I held him while she suctioned snot. Uggghhh.

This.                         Imagery Majestic

----------PLUS----------

This. (Yes. That is for sucking snot, not basting a turkey.)


----------EQUALS ---------- 

You try holding a baby during that and not make this face.

But you know what, my biggest pet peeve has got to be everybody who looks at us like we're crazy for not wanting kids, or looks at us pityingly, like we've missed a joke or lost the "Joys of Having Children" lottery. We hear these things all the time. My clock isn't ticking down until I can't have kids. I am not barren (that I know of), and I'm not missing a step to adulthood. I just don't want them. And it especially pisses me off when friends or people I know who are pregnant or have kids make me feel like something's seriously wrong with me for not wanting to be a mother. OH MY GOD FUCKING BIG DEAL I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A VERSION OF MYSELF. At least I don't have kids and wish I hadn't had them. Now that is far sadder. Pity those people.

So back off, people. While you're changing diapers, I'm hanging out having a beer with my husband. And I couldn't be happier.


On a much happier note, I am making jewelry, in case anybody didn't know! I've decided to try using my blog to get my stuff out there. Buy my stuff, because it's awesome, and I'm awesome, and through an extension of those two things, you will also be awesome, because I'll be less poor and won't resort to prostitution or drugs. You don't want that on your conscience.

Go here!

New Year's Resolutions: A Revised List

Alright, so I posted on New Year's a number of things that I was going to work on changing, to better myself, to try new things, blah blah blah. In case you don't feel like clicking the link and reading it (it's kinda long, but laziness is always an accepted excuse), I'll do a quick summary:

1. Whine less (in person)
2. Panic and worry only when necessary
3. Be more active
4. Make more friends
5. Continue to keep contact with friends and family

Cute list, right? Well, just like my brief and well intentioned affairs with planners, some of those resolutions have already fallen by the wayside. I can only keep up the momentum for about a month, then I get bored being well intentioned. So, save for #2 and #5, I'm revising my list slightly.


NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS (FOR PEOPLE TRYING TO NOT BETTER THEMSELVES)

1. Whine more

Whining is hilarious, especially if you're me. When I whine, I tend to turn into this sadistic, sarcastic anti-me who says things like, "Oh my god, don't make me feel bad because your daughter can't watch movies because you're too irresponsible to return those movies we give you the privilege of renting. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SUCK SO HARD AS A HUMAN BEING, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE $60 IN LATE FEES AND DISAPPOINT YOUR DAUGHTER WITH YOUR COLD-HEARTED THOUGHTLESSNESS! WHY DON'T YOU TOP OFF YOUR DAY BY KILLING SOME PUPPIES??"

*My husband came and read this while I was writing it and said, "That's not anti-you. That's totally you." I'm breaking up with him.*

2. Eat like a pig

I love Bagel Bites, and Fruit Smiles from Wally, and Big Macs from McD's, and Wendy's french fries. And although I'm pretty lucky to have a high metabolism, it is failing year by year, so I'm watching how much and what I eat. Which is pretty sucky, to be honest. So, I'm resolving to eat worse, because that isn't sucky. Except for grilled chicken Caesar salads, because they're fuckin awesome.

3. Sleep more, not less

I used to try to get 7-8 hours of sleep. Then I magically discovered that 5-6 worked just as well, if not better because working on little sleep felt like a boost of energy. Then I discovered 10 hours of sleep. Awesome. Besides, experts can't decide if more or less sleep is better for you, so I'm just going to sleep more. Problem solved.

4. Be less nice

When I'm in the car, I try to be too polite, which means that even passive aggressive drivers take advantage of me. Now I scream at them, and when I'm going faster than the speed limit and someone tailgates me, I drive slower than the speed limit. I'm also too nice when it comes to people who try to pull one over on me. Take that lady who tried to get away with only paying a few bucks on a $60 late fee. She paid $10 the last time, yes, but returned movies late that added it back on. She tried making me feel bad that her daughter wouldn't get to watch movies (they were free, but hers were $3). She had the $10, but wouldn't have been able to get hers. Selfish. And rude to try to pit her daughter against me. But I said, "Sorry. I need $10. I know you paid $10 last time, but late returns brought it back up, and if I didn't get at least that, the amount will never go down."

And I don't care how that makes me look. Because people try to pull one over on me because I'm nice EVERY DAY.


So, those some new resolutions for people who suffer from trying to better themselves. Do the opposite! It's so much easier!