Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My Neighbors: An Auditory Journey

So, my husband and I live in a crappy apartment, in a neighborhood that is on the border of dying commercial and "the bad side of town". Honestly, I'm shocked that nobody's broken the windows out of my car yet. I think the people who live around us are busy screaming and yelling at each other, outside, where my husband and I gleefully watch them have their domestic dispute from our windows, inside. We don't have cable. Don't judge.
                                     Our Jersey Shore, minus the carrot and                 Photostock
add more screaming and fist throwing
Anyway, our apartment does have some interesting features. It has giant ugly radiators that do a surprisingly good job heating our crappy apartment, decent insulation, copious amounts of outlets, and relatively new windows. That's where the good attributes end. Let me list the negatively interesting features:

1. Many brownish ceiling tiles. That were once white. That leak water when the upstairs neighbor takes a bath. Ew.
These are over the stove.

2. A little 3'X3' stove with absolutely no temperatures on the dials. No, not worn off. NONE PUT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Hi I'm cute, inefficient, and make guesswork in cooking a daily practice!

3. A random hole in the wall where, perhaps, a dryer might have been. In the kitchen.

4. A random 4'X2' rectangular hole in the closet of our bathroom, which leads into the concrete space behind the shower.
I didn't take a picture of our basement. That is where our downstairs neighbor lives.
This is in our bathroom closet, where our towels and things go. There is no door for it.
We keep the closet door closed and locked.

And finally (to reach the point of my post), thin floors.
Sorry. I didn't have a picture to indicate thin floors. Use your imagination, children.

You have no idea how thin. People always say, "OMG THEY ARE SO LOUD I SWEAR I CAN HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING." Well, you people who say that and are exaggerating, I CAN hear exactly what my neighbor is saying, whether he's talking loudly or not.

Our floors are so thin I can hear him talking as if he's in the next room. If I'm in the bathroom peeing and he happens to have to go at the same time, I CAN HEAR HIM PEEING LIKE HE'S THERE WITH ME. You have no idea how creepy that is. And how hard it is to pee knowing he can hear you, too.

My neighbor is a smoker. Our bathroom reeks of cigarettes because he smokes in or near there. He either has emphysema, pneumonia, bronchitis, or a combination of the three, because I hear him coughing nasty phlegmy coughs and hacking up snot for HOURS every morning. It's so loud it wakes me up like an alarm.

Then there was that month where he randomly let a friend with a toddler and a baby stay over. Remember how I told you I can hear everything he says? I could also hear everything the baby screamed, the toddler screamed, and the mom and my neighbor screamed at the toddler and baby. It got to the point where we considered calling the cops because there was just so much yelling. Who tells a baby to "shut the fuck up"? Apparently my neighbor. Don't even justify it. As stressful as having kids is, you don't do that kind of stuff. Good parents don't scream profanities at crying babies.

Rubber glove hand says NO                       Ambro

He also invites his very loud friend over, and I'm fairly certain they're both stoned when they get together. The conversation goes as such:

Neighbor: "Mnuyo wmoyonuyo wom wom wom, maaan."
Friend: "Wudsa buynyum woommoyououzzu!"
Neighbor: "NAAAAAAH...nyum byumnuggwuyoo, maaan."
Friend: "?????????????????"
Neighbor: "???!!!?!!!?!?!?!?!!?????, maaaaaaan"

I wonder if they actually know what words the other is saying, or if it's like cavemen and, really, all grunts mean the same thing. It's like listening to a conversation between two Rocky Balboas.
"Mubmnyuwooza wuzauuup, maaaan."                            Wikipedia

"Om nom nom nom nom, dude."                       Source

Completely ridiculous. We'd move if it weren't so expensive. And entertaining.

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