Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Day After Black Friday

If you guys don't already know this, I work in retail. Still. It's a job that will either kill me early from stress or cause me to lose my mind because I'm holding back so much pent up rage about stupid customers, coworkers, and managers. BUT, the great thing about working in retail is the stories I can produce by the dozen about real people who do stupid things that I cannot exaggerate because the acts are so dumb and petty.

These are my after Black Friday stories.

I've noticed over the last 2 1/2 years of working in my current job that the people who shop on Black Friday are actually polite, patient, and understanding for the most part. Shocking, yes, but also very true. It's the people that shop the day after that I dread. They are rude, impatient, and like to ask stupid questions or argue about unnecessary things. Mind you, NONE of these people are even mad because we are out of something they're looking for! All of their stupidity is based upon things totally unrelated to our Black Friday madness.


Forgive me. I'm a little SLOW today, ha ha.

My coworker was helping a woman on the phone with an issue about a slow cooker. He doesn't use them often and so wasn't sure how to help her and asked if I could take the call. I should have realized, being after Black Friday, that the proper response to his question should have been "Absolutely not." However, I'm naive and thought it would be a quick phone call.

Me: "Good afternoon! How may I help you?"

Customer: "Hi. I had an issue with my Crockpot. My mother made hot stuffing and put it into the Crockpot and turned it on. A half an hour later it wasn't any hotter. It was actually colder! My question is why was it so cold? And is there a temperature I can set it to that it won't cook it any more? Should I just use a microwave, because I can put stuffing in there and it will cook in 30 seconds and stay nice and warm and moist."

Me: "Ok. Just to give you some information, your mother's Crockpot is what is called a slow cooker. It's not meant to heat things up fast. It is designed to slowly cook food in a safe way over a long period of time. That being said, it doesn't heat up quickly. Did she turn it on before putting the food in?"

Customer: "No. She put hot food in and then turned it on. I figured because it was electric it would heat the food up fast, especially since it was on high. So you're saying it doesn't heat up food?"

Me: "No. What I'm saying is that it's  not like a microwave in that it won't heat food up imme..."

Customer: "But I don't understand how the food was colder after turning it on. It was on high."

Me: "Well, she put hot food into a cold ceramic container. If you put any hot substance into a cold container, it will get cold. It's no diifer..."

Customer: "Maybe I should just use a microwave. It doesn't makes sense why it got colder, even after 1/2 an hour."

Me: "It's the same as if you dump hot water into a cold mug. It will get colder because the mug is colder.

Customer: "But she had it on high."

Me: "It's the same as if you dump hot water into a cold pan and then turn on the stove. The water will get colder until the po....

Customer: "I thought Crockpots were supposed to heat food up fast and keep food warm. They're electric! My microwave works faster."

Me: (trying to not scream because she interrupts me and talks over me every step of the way) "It is called a slow cooker. Crockpot is a brand name. Slow cookers heat up slowly to safely cook food over a long period of time. They do keep food warm, BUT unless you are heating up food in them from the start, or turn them on first and get them warm, they will not work the way you want. If you put boiling water into a cold pot and then turn on the stove the water will get colder until the stove heats up the pan. It's the same concept with a slow cooker. If you dump a hot item into a cold ceramic bowl and then turn it on, the food will actually cool off until the appliance heats up the bowl first. I sugg.."

Customer: "We were very disappointed because we had to wait longer. It even dried out the food and cooked it!"

Me: "That is because she set it to a cooking temperature. Warm keeps things warm. Low, medium, and High are designed to cook. I suggest she turns the slow cooker on FIRST, while cooking, so that the container heats up, and THEN after the food is done to transfer it to the slow cooker. It will stay warm on the Warm setting and not cook further."


Customer: "Oh. Ok. I get it." *CLICK*

Not even a goodbye or thank you for me wasting 15 minutes explaining that hot things get colder when placed in cold things. You'd think older women would understand basic cooking and physics.



You underestimate the level of my crotchetiness.

I feel as though I need to point out none of this is an exaggeration, nor am I conveniently leaving out details to make it seem more ridiculous. This is how it happened.

My coworker was at the service desk ringing out an elderly gentleman's items. Following our procedure, she asks if he would like a gift receipt. Her first mistake was coming to work at all.

Coworker: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Yes."

Coworker: "Would you like a gift receipt?"

Customer: "What?! NO! I DON'T need a gift receipt! I just want a regular receipt!"

Coworker: "That's fine. We just ask in case you need to give anything as a gift or need to ret..."

Customer: "I SAID I DON'T NEED ONE. I just want a REGULAR RECEIPT!!"

*My manager was behind her and decided to step in to maybe try and calm the old man down. His first mistake was thinking he could make anything better.

Manager: "We simply ask as a courtesy that way if you need to bring an item back, you have an easy way to..."

Customer: *points his finger at my manager* "LOOK. I wasn't talking TO YOU. I was talking TO HER. I don't need you jumping in here and YELLING AT ME."

And then the universe turned in on itself and imploded because we asked a question and then tried to explain why we asked.

Go ahead. Ask me if I'd like my receipt in the bag or with me. I DARE YOU.



Honestly, I understand this woman's plight. It's annoying when you want to try out something and it isn't put together and you can't seem to get it right yourself. The lids for these trash cans are hard to get on. But I offered to help her. This woman decided to try to guilt me and try to play the victim. Too bad for her I spoke to a woman earlier who couldn't work a slow cooker and had used up my store of sympathy.

Me: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Would you like a gift receipt?"

Customer: "Nope. It's for me." *slams money down on counter.

Me: "Receipt with you or in the bag?"

Customer: "With me. You know, I'm really disappointed. I would have gotten the black one but I was stuck with the grey one."

Me: "I'm sorry. Would you like me to have someone get one down for you?"

Customer: "NO. I could reach it. The lids weren't put on, and I couldn't figure out how to get them on, so I had to just get this grey one!"

Me: "I'm sorry. Would you like me to get one and put the lid on for you? They are tricky."

Customer: "NO. I just think you should not take the lids off because people like me are over there messing with them and can't get them on. You'd sell more if the lids were on."

Me: "We get them in without the lids on so that we can stack them."

Customer: "They WERE NOT STACKED."

Me: "No, I'm sorry, I mean to stack them on the top." *I point to our top stock where ALL THE FUCKING EXTRA TRASH CANS ARE. Stacked.

Customer: "Oh. Well STILL it's a bad idea to not keep the lids on because I'm sure plenty of people like me can't get them on and you lose sales because of it."

Me: "OK. Would you like me to get one and put the lid on? We can do a quick exchange."

Customer: "No."
Rocket science in its most complex form. Don't even bother asking for help.

I hate the day after Black Friday. I hope to soon never work in retail again.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Hate You: A Heartfelt Letter

 Dear Sir Who Pounded on My Customer Service Desk to Get My Attention,

I hate you. Not the regular kind of hate. A special kind of hate just for you, because you're a special kind of guy.

Rather than politely waiting for me to walk up from one of my many time consuming projects (because working customer service in retail means you do everything on top of working customer service), you decided to pound on the desk loudly and shout for the store to hear, "HELLOOO?!?!??? I'M WAITING TO SHOP!!" You weren't standing there unattended for long.

Of course, you couldn't have known that I just looked up a moment ago and you weren't there. You also couldn't know that shouting like that made you sound like a petulant 4 year old. You certainly couldn't know that, after being summoned like a servant, and then scolded with, "IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING PEOPLE??!" that I wouldn't want to help you at all. I bet it didn't even occur to you that being that rude would make you look like the asshole in this situation and not me. I'm sorry you looked like a douche.

It's really too bad you didn't have a bell to ding. It would have relieved you of the stress of standing alone for 5 seconds. I bet you're a champ. You're a go getter. You shout for help like a mugger has stolen your purse and you just don't know how to go on.

I promise in the future to never look away from the front in case you happen to walk in and need immediate attention. My 8 hour day dealing with returns, complaints, and a constant barrage of stupid questions and requests from both my coworkers, managers, and customers is incomplete without your 2 cents.

Thank you for showing me what an inconsiderate and unhelpful employee I am because I happened to not see you and didn't rush to your side like a hero.


Me, the Customer Service Person Who Hates You

Below: How Christmas Looks to Me Working In Retail





Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Hi! I'm back! I have a short attention span, so I lost interest in writing. I'm just gonna keep going and maybe someone will see it!

I had a really unusual thing happen at work the other day. We have plastic bags. Most stores do. A lot have recyclable, some have paper still, but in general it's plastic bags. In any case, this same thing happened with 3 different people, 3 different times of the day, and all 3 between the ages of 30 and 50. They had the same exact response.

I was just doing my cashier thing:

Me: "Hi! How're you doing today?"

Customer: "Good!"

Me: "Did you find everything OK?"

Customer: "Sure did."

Me: "Do you need a gift receipt?"
*I have to ask a LOT of fucking questions
Customer: "No thank you."

Me: "OK, your total is *insert total here. Would you like a bag for these?"

Customer: "No thanks. Save a tree." a tree. Save a TREE? Do you mean all the poor plastic trees we cut down every year to make these plastic bags?

Quick! To our hippie mobile! We MUST save all the Polystyrene Trees before they're extinct!

I personally love when people mix their sayings. You save a tree when you choose to NOT waste paper because paper is made from trees. Trees are not made of plastic, dear ones.

I laugh even harder when Kat Von D says, "It's not rocket surgery."

People. Either they are getting dumber, or they have always been this dumb and now we have social media and TV to uncover them all.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

puts 'My Husband Is Programming Me'

This one goes out to everybody who knows anything about computer programming.

For the last few weeks, my husband has been reading up on Ruby (a programming language much like Java, but WAY WAY easier) to start a career as a Programmer. I fully support this decision, because he loves computers, and told me about how much he enjoyed his Website Design class in school and how he wanted to go to school for computers initially.

However, one of the quirks about Dave learning something new, or doing something new, is I wind up learning it/doing it with him. Zelda...I'm going through all of them now. Guitar...yep, I'm now doing that, too.

And, of course, programming.

Now, don't think this is me complaining "OH MY GOD, MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO BE INTERESTED IN THE THINGS HE'S DOING. HOW HORRIBLE!" No, actually I think it's awesome that he's so excited about new things he enjoys that he wants me to share in his personal glee. Believe it or not, he hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm super detail-oriented, and like order and love typing. So, when he kept telling me every day for the last few weeks, "Wife, I really think you should read this programming book. I honestly think you'll like it," I figured it would be easier to just go ahead and start it just to shut him up.

And then I discovered the joy of programming.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of Ruby and Command Prompt,                   watcharakun
I will fear no DEL/ code.

Here is why I have decided that programming is something I could totally do in my spare time.

Now I know why you programmers giggle so much.


Friday, April 20, 2012

The Burp from Dinners Past

Sometimes, you eat a meal that is so delicious that all you want to do is eat it again, and again, and again forever. Unfortunately for anatomical reasons, you obviously cannot continue to eat indefinitely because you'll eat yourself sick. Unless, like in Hunger Games, you choose to drink a drink that will purge your stomach and then you can keep eating and eating.

This is where burps come into play. I love when I eat a delicious steak, or taco, or SUPER BOWL CHILI (thanks Mom) and I get to revisit the deliciousness later when, inevitably, I burp. Mmmmm. Say what you will, but you KNOW you love the Rebound Burp. Like all rebounds, it's a way to satisfy your needs without having to worry about the commitment. Because, really, you're going to move on to another meal  with better burps.

Don't judge. You sniff your burps in your hand, too.            Hal Brindley

Yet, there are those horrible meals you eat (particularly fishy fish, bad meatballs, or cabbage) that, no matter how much you want to forget them, they just come back to haunt you. Via burps. Much like a stalker, it just keeps coming back until you sign a restraining order (or just eat a Tums).

Applebee's, I used to love your ribs. Because the burps tasted of delicious, delicious Applebee's BBQ sauce. But, alas, your sauce has since become runny, and now all I taste is so-so rib meat burps. 3 hours later.

Where do you go.....

My riblets.....

Where do you go...?

I wanna know :-(           Ambro

Saturday, April 14, 2012

There Are Elves Among Us

It's been a while since I've posted. I could say it was personal stuff, but honestly I'm just lazy and lost interest. I'm not cut out to be a full-time blogger.

Anyway, so I hate people sometimes. Why I choose to work in an industry that forces me to interact with lots of different people is beyond me. Well, I'll be honest, I don't really WANT to choose it, but because apparently the skills I've learned through retail don't apply to careers, I am forced to choose retail over and over because my resume reflects only retail experience.

I also hate hiring managers that overlook retail experience as not being "work-related experience".

Moving on. There is a disc cleaner in our store. It takes care of light surface scratches and fingerprints. It literally scratches the disc more, and then buffs it shiny. When your disc is scratched, the light sensor in  your player jumps and skips over them, kinda like if you were running and there were huge cracks in the ground that you had to leap over. The machine scratches the disc all over, and then buffs it smooth. So, like if the asphalt crew came in, ground up the cracks in the road and made it even (no new asphalt). There is a machine that resurfaces discs (puts new asphalt down, if you will). But that takes longer than just the buffing machine. And we don't have that.

I wish we didn't have this sometimes.

So, needless to say, it's not a GOOD THING to put shiny, clean discs into the cleaner. I refuse to. There's an old guy who looks like a Keebler elf who comes into our store to rent movies. He demands we clean all his discs. But the one looked fine on the bottom. No scratches. I rotated in all sorts of directions in the light to make sure. SO OF COURSE HE COMES BACK THE NEXT DAY. Says that he told "that girl" (me) to clean the disc and I refused and said it was fine. My manager looked at it, said it looked fine, and we try to not over clean discs because it's not good for them. But the guy said, "I AM A CUSTOMER AND I SAID TO DO IT AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT I SAY."

So he demanded his money back (which we never do), and we gave him his money back (to shut him the hell up).

I hate people. This guy was a shrimp, old, with huge buggy glasses and looked and sounded like he probably sat at home with dirty movies by himself because nobody else wants go to his tree and hang out with the other elves. Despite all the delicious cookies he probably makes.

"GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK, YOU WHORE!"             Keebler

Also, go check out my jewelry, because it's awesome and goes great with clothes, and skin, and all sorts of delightful bodily things!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Review of Reviewers

I'm pretty nerdy when it comes to reading. I love to read, because for me it's like watching a movie playing in front of my eyes, but it's my imagination forming the pictures from the words. I can lose myself in a book so thoroughly that I'll start to feel the emotions of the characters, the adrenaline from an action scene.

I also can get very protective of authors. Because I get so into books, I feel the need to defend an author's masterpiece. A lot of people do this. So this review is for the terrible reviewers of the final book in the Hunger Games trilogy: Mockingjay.



Now that that's out of the way, I very much hate how people are flogging Mockingjay with poor reviews. A lot of people say that it was "disappointing", "whiny", "less exciting that the first two". I agree with all of those statements, but for completely different reasons, for positive reasons, if you will.

Let me explain.

The first book sets a post-apocalyptic scene with a 16 year old girl Katniss who is tired of the poverty and oppression in her life. She and thousands of boys and girls from ages 12-18 must enter their names into a pool to be chosen for  the Hunger Games, a punishment for the past rebellion of the Districts against the Capitol. One boy and one girl from 12 Districts. They fight to the death in an arena, until one person is left, and their District receives food for the year until the next games. Hence Hunger Games.

When Katniss's sister is chosen in her first year putting her name into the pool, Katniss steps in to take her place, and is given a mockingjay medallion to wear. She goes to the games, and through an exciting series of trials, near death experiences, and pure cunning, she and the boy from her district, Peeta, survive and are both permitted to live. She suddenly finds herself becoming a symbol for the few rebels who still have hope of a world without the Capitol. Her mockingjay becomes her identity for change. She begins to fall in love with Peeta.

The second book finds Katniss and Peeta living wealthy, but not happily. The Capitol's President suspects her impending treason and decide that, for the 75th anniversary of the Hunger Games, they will throw all of the old winners' names into a pool and select them again. Peeta and Katniss go back to the Hunger Games, with a new series of challenges far more horrific than ever before. They manage to rally together and form a pact with a few from other districts to stay alive. Katniss discovers the invisible barrier to the arena and their team create a way to escape. Katniss is saved and finds herself in the hands of the rebels, but Peeta is captured and tortured by the Capitol. She realizes how deeply she feels for him.

Now to the third book. The third book is entirely about Katniss's struggle against being a prop for the rebellion, but trying to take down the Capitol, helping to save lives of thousands who believe in her, their mockingjay. Often she has nightmares, is depressed, and not the strong character she was in the first two books. She seems to have unraveled, and when Peeta is saved from the Capitol., she finds his mind has been "hacked", and he has been poisoned against her, to believe she is the problem and should be killed. After much internal struggle, she makes plans to attack the Capitol and kill the President, thus inspiring the rebels to attack. The Capitol's president is captured and sentenced to death after a trial, but Katniss discovered that the leader of the rebellion has decided to reinstate the Hunger Games as a punishment for the Capitol's crimes. Katniss kills the leader, and after awaiting trial, is released to go home to her district. The epilogue fills in how, though Peeta remembers how much he loves her and they get married and have children, he still has the urge to kill her every once in a while, and somberly Katniss remembers the people who died as her children run through the fields.

Super long, I know, but I had to describe them. The third book is less exciting and uplifting than the other two. It reads more like a losing battle than a defeat of the oppression of the Capitol and Hunger Games. But let me put it this way:  war sucks for everyone. Although we may have succeeded in killing Osama, we still have the scars of 9/11. People who go to war and come back having won are never the same. It is not the same happy world for them. And yes, damn it, of course by the third book Katniss is distraught and less strong. SHE'S FUCKING 16. AND KILLED HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE. AND WATCHED PEOPLE DIE HORRIFIC DEATHS.

The third book is a realistic look at what winning such a battle actually is for the people who fought. And she is so young, and has no happy memories of a good childhood, that the two Hunger Games just destroyed her. It's not triumphant. It's not the slightest bit satisfying as a happy ending, but boy is it real. And that is why I hate that people say it was terrible. Because guess what, war is terrible, just in case you didn't know.

Want a happy ending? Watch a Disney movie. But not Up, because that movie is depressing as shit.

Also, my husband put out his metal cover of Rihanna's S&M, and it's AMAZING. So go buy it and his metal cover of E.T., because that is ALSO AMAZING!!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Children's Movies Will Never Be the Same

Last night I was bored and decided to entertain myself with the wit of our friends. On Facebook, I told everybody that I wanted to play a fun game called "Children's Movie Titles with a Real World Twist."

Here are some of my favorites:

  1. Pippi Longstocking Goes to the OB/GYN
  2. Sleeping Beauty 2: My Life with Narcolepsy
  3. Snow White and the Seven Male Prostitutes
  4. Charlie and the Chocolate Slim Fast
  5. Unhappy Feet: Living with Restless Leg Syndrome
  6. Alice on Mushrooms
  7. The Hunchback of Notre Dame Judy Dench
  8. The Scurvy of the Pirates of the Caribbean
  9. Jungle Book 3: Dengue Fever
  10. Lil Red Riding In Da Hood
  11. Air Bud Meets Traffic
  12. Miracle on Death Row
  13. Power Park Rangers
  14. GI Average Joe
  15. 103 Dalmations: Puppy Mill
  16. Mars Needs MILFS
  17. Charlotte's Website
  18. Field of Dreams 2: Foreclosure
  19. Brother Bear Attack
  20. Pocahontas: Trail of Tears
  21. The Dark Crystal Meth
  22. Beauty and the Beastiality
  23. Horton Hires a Whore
  24. Chicken Run 2: General Tso
  25. Green Eggs and Salmonella
  26. It's the Wrong Hole, Charlie Brown
  27. Homeward Bound 3: A Trip to the Farm
  28. Bedknobs and Broomsticks: Strange Insertions
  29. Dennis the Phantom Menace
  30. Parent Trap 2: Separated Again
  31. Meat the Robinsons
  32. The Sorcerer's Apprentice: Unpaid Overtime
  33. The Hobbit: There and Back Again Because I Forgot My Damn Wallet
  34. Fievel: A Tale of Deportation
  35. Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
  36. Trains, Planes, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation
  37. Journey to About 6 Miles Beneath the Earth
  38. Babe 4: Pigs in a Blanket
  39. Dr. Dolittle Boys
  40. Toy Story 4: Andy Gets and XBOX
And our personal favorite.......

    41. Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Accountants

It was super fun, absolutely nowhere near productive, and we had over 183 submissions. It was a great way to spend an hour online!
Also, my husband just released his metal cover of S&M by Rihanna to iTunes! If you like metal music (and I'm not saying Death Metal, but a mix between pop and metal), you will like his stuff! Go to his music page and listen to it, then download and buy it there or when it hits iTunes later today!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hair Crisis, Red Alert!

I really  need some help, folks. I need to cut my hair off. Not all of it, just most of it. It's too long, and the last 2 inches of my long and pretty hair is dry and splitting (so it needs to be cut anyway). I want to have a bob, but I can't decide what kind!! I want to be able to make my hair funky no matter how I style it: straight or curly or wavy.

So I'm putting it up to you guys, if you want to help. If not, I totally understand. Since I'll blame you all if I pick one and it looks terrible. Because I have no mind of my own, so being this young and impressionable means it is your responsibility to steer me in the right cosmetic direction.

The choice is yours.

#1- Carrie Bradshaw Bob

I love this bob, but I've never had it cut properly. It always ends up looking like the picture below.
This was the night I killed Papa Smurf.

#2- Some Hot Blonde Chick with Bangs

This is absolutely adorable. It looks a lot like my profile picture for my blog, but shoulder length instead of middle of my back. But can I make it look funky, also?

#3- Another Hot Blonde Chick with Much Less Hair

So sexy and short. Easy to manage. But my hair is super curly (see above picture). Will it do this, or just a shorter version of the thing above?

It's a conundrum folks. I just can't decide. I need some help. Pick your favorite, and I'll go with it! It's just hair. It'll grow back in 4 years.

Also, it's been a while since I've promoted my own jewelry-making finesse on my blog, so it's time again for you to patronize my shop! Shop at my shop. Not be condescending. What a weird word to make mean two totally opposite things...

There's a matching necklace that looks REALLY FRIGGIN CUTE SO BUY IT ALL!!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lessons in How to Complain Effectively

It's been a little bit since I posted. I've been messing with stupid things (like "Where's my life going, for real??!"), but I've got a new post now!

I don't know if you know this, but I work in jobs that have customer to me interactions all the damn time. I have seen a lot of good customer behaviors, such as thanking me when I do something positive for them, putting something back where it belongs when they don't want it (or just giving it to me so I can put it back), and asking if they can throw something in our trash can instead of just putting their gum on a shelf or that used tissue on the floor.

On the flip side, I have also seen a lot of poor to disgraceful customer behaviors. My biggest pet peeve in the world is screaming to get your way. There is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON to yell when you have a complaint or want something done. I will tell you right now that if you are polite, but insistent, I am more likely to not only give you what you want, but do something extra special for not being a total douchefuck about it. If you come in, complaint guns cocked and loaded, I will still give you your way, but will make it take 5x as long just because you're making me feel like shit. I may not always do it on purpose, but being stressed makes you take longer to process things. Ask any person who works in a service job. They will tell you the same thing.

So, I'm giving a simple lesson on how to get your way without resorting to becoming the Hulk.

Here's my own personal scenario. I spent $50 to get my roots redone and hair touched up last week. I have blonde hair, but have since dyed it dark brown, and it was time for a fix. It looked fine in the store, but when I got home under my own lighting, I notice that, where my roots grew out, the color was coppery, not at all chocolate brown. It didn't look too bad, so I thought I'd wait to see what my hair would look like after I washed it. I was careful, gentle, and used warm water and color safe shampoo/conditioner. Afterwards, my hair looked worse. So I called to get it fixed.

  1. Be polite from the start. I called with a calm voice (with just the slightest hint of remorse that I had to call). Being calm and polite from the get go puts the person you have to complain to in a state of ease, and makes them more sympathetic (instead of angry, because you're a raging douchefuck).
  2. Explain yourself thoroughly, but only with valid points. I told the girl exactly what I said above. Adding feelings and stuff to try and gain sympathy makes the listener want to scoff at your ridiculous portrayal of a sad situation. "I bought these sheets last night and saw a big run in the middle after putting them on the bed" is better than "I bought these sheets last night and the run was so obnoxious we couldn't use them and had to use our old, scratchy sheets. I got terrible sleep." I so don't care at that point.
  3. Avoid raising your voice. I don't just mean to not get angry. I mean don't raise your voice every other sentence and make a scene so that hopefully a manager will hear and come over and shut you up or I'll want you to shut up and give you what you want. I've had that happen, too. Being louder is absolutely unnecessary and just pathetic. You sound like a 2 year old who wants a lollipop. "I want one. I WANT one. I WANT ONE. I WANT ONE I WANT ONE IWANTONEIWANTONE!!!!! (<-----ridiculous)
  4. Be understanding of their policies, but be politely insistent to get what you need. A lady came in and had a late charge. She brought the movie back a day late. I told her the price of her new rentals plus the fee and she said she thought she was told it was due that day. I told her that mistakes happen and I've forgotten when things were due, and she didn't have to pay the whole thing today. She was polite, but insisted that since she remembers being told it was today, she shouldn't have to pay it. So I said.........ready for it? "Ok! I'll take care of it for you. I'll print off a receipt with the due dates for you so you know when they're due back." No screaming needed. Quick and easy. She was polite, but insistent upon having it her way. And I respect that. PLUS, any store will still do what they need to if it's good for the customer.
So, the end of my story is that, because I was so polite about it, they said they could get me in to have it fixed today, free of charge. I didn't demand it not cost anything, but because I politely asked if there was going to be any cost for me, she said no. I would have still gotten my way by screaming and accusing people like a freak, but I'd have to worry about coming away with worse hair, wouldn't I?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It's 11PM, Do You Know Where Your Drunk Friend Is?

Everybody has their share of awesome college stories. Times they got drunk and did stupid stuff, times they did stupid stuff sober, police run ins, drug-fueled misadventures (thank you Robert Brockway), and the list goes on and on.

Well, I personally have a great lesson in why you should always lock your dorm room door. For once, this was NOT something I thought I was seeing in my sleep (see I See Dead People...). I warn all my cute little college bound cousins and friends about the dangers of leaving your door unlocked at night. What if you thought you did everything right, but everything turns out so very very wrong?

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story:

The Tale of Some Drunk Bitch In My Bed.

It was a cold December evening. My roommate and I had our last final of our Sophomore year, Music History, at 8 AM, and were about as prepared as anybody was who took Music History. So, pretty much winging it at that point. In fact, rather than study, we took pictures of ourselves sprawled in the hallway with bottles of Jones Soda surrounding us as if we were passed out. We were thorough. We took the labels off.

Ah memories.

Anyway,  I slept on the top bunk and usually used a special corner of my desk that wasn't cluttered to climb up into it. For once, the desk was completely clear, so getting into bed was easy. We even decided it was time to unplug our Christmas lights, which we left on 24/7 to leave a pleasant glow while we slept, as well as avoid my snapping my spine climbing down the bunk to go pee at night. We thought we had locked the door, because we always locked the door.

Let me recap here:

Clear desk.
No lights.
Unlocked door.

                                       I search for "DANGER", and this is what I get.                                       Marco Torresin

At around 3 AM, I wake up to the feeling of someone watching me. Startled, I look up to see my roommate, who giggles, and then slithers head first under my covers with me. Totally creeped out, I lift the covers and say, "Ang...what are you doing?" She responds with a giggle and pulls the covers back over her face. I notice a strong smell of alcohol emanating from her covered face, which strikes me as odd, because we went to bed at the same time, and she was definitely sober.

Not being one to judge (and finding it next to impossible to get her out of my bed), I think, "Fine. If she's going to sleep in MY bed, I'm just going to sleep in hers" and climb down. After I hop off of my desk, I start towards her bed when I notice, shockingly, my roommate Ang sleeping in her bed.

Imagine expecting this but seeing the person who should                  Photostock
         have been in your bed in her bed. Yep.

Seeing as how it's 3 AM and I'm still groggy, my first impulse is to scream "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GOD DAMN GHOST IN MY BED!!!" Opting for a quieter, much saner route, I whisper in a panic,

"Ang. Ang! There's a girl in my bed!"

My roommate, having experienced my sleep talking, says in all seriousness, "Are you awake?"
I whisper less quietly, "Of course I am! What the hell kind of question is that?"
"Hey Roomie?"
"Yeah Ang?"
"There's a girl in your bed."

                                           YOU THINK????!!!                                  Graur Codrin

Resisting the impulse to throw something at her, I go turn on the light while she gets up to investigate. I hear her start to giggle as soon as I turn the light on and I ask her what's so funny.

Then she lifted the sheets.

It's less cute when you replace a teddy bear with a passed out 21 year old stranger, unless, of course, you're a guy,

My mysterious and drunken bed thief had wet herself. She had turned 21 that night and was sleeping in the RA's room, and perhaps wet herself on the way to the bathroom and walked 3 doors down to our room. Apparently before she decided to be my bed buddy, she tried to climb into bed with my roommate, who thought it was me being weird and sleep walking. She then sat, with her pee soaked self, in my desk chair and stared at Ang until perhaps it seemed she should try for the top bunk instead.

After convincing her she needed to go back to the RA's room, I got 3 more hours of sleep on the floor before my stupid final.

Extra points if you picked up on the 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' reference.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I See Dead People...

Sometimes when I'm sleeping, I have night terrors. What are these, you might wonder?

I'm too lazy to explain the whole thing, so here's a link to what it is in its entirety. Basically, I wake up screaming thinking I've seen something (almost always spiders). I'm still sorta asleep, and I always vaguely remember it when I wake up the next day.

Also, apparently it's a thing mostly for kids. Which makes it even sadder that I'm afflicted with it. I think this means I've never quite grown up.

My poor husband has dealt with this since we started dating. I'd be snuggled next to him, sleeping peacefully, and then I would think I'd see a spider crawling up my arm, up the pillow, down the wall, and I'd start to quietly scream and quick turn on the lights to find the damn thing. If it wasn't for him, I probably would never get back to sleep, because he always reassures me that there is and never was any spider. Then I go back to sleep.

Well, recently, I had a nasty stress headache due to the fact that I might become a store manager. Now now, as angry as I get about customers, believe it or not, I'm great at my job and people almost always leave happy. I just have lots of internal malcontent and disbelief at the way people act when they aren't working. It's appalling. I'm NICER than usual when shopping.

Anyway, I have NO IDEA why, instead of a spider, I saw half of an eggshell on my knee, but I did. And for some reason, it falling off of my knee and landing on the bed freaked me out. So Dave comes running in (because he heard my usual "aaaaAAAAAaaAAAAAH!" that happens when I'm about to wake up in a panic), and asked what was wrong. With all the sensibility of one who is asleep, I say:

Me: "There was a half shell on my knee."
Dave: "A half shell?"
Me: "Yes, and it fell off. Is it on the bed?"
Dave: "No."
Me: "Is it on the floor?"
Dave: "No."
Me: "Oh. Ok."

I fell back asleep and don't remember anything else, but apparently that wasn't the end. My husband said one last thing:

Dave: "Heroes in a half shell..."
Me: "Turtle power."

Only my better half would take advantage of my unconscious state at such an opportune moment.

Plus, I totally do that to him when he talks in his sleep. You should try it sometime.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I'm a Little Bit Obsessive, I'm a Little Bit Compulsive

Everybody's a little obsessive-compulsive. That's what a person who is obsessive-compulsive says to justify being obsessive-compulsive.

Me? Yep. Totally have a little OCD in me. I notice how the painting in our living room looks like it's crooked because the futon mattress below it is crooked. I hate when my husband leaves the lights on in every room he leaves. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TURN THE BATHROOM LIGHT OFF, DAVE??!!

ALL THE LIGHTS!!                                                                             Winnond

In fact, I'm going to make a list of ways you know you have OCD.


  1. If you have anxiety about anybody but you mixing the ingredients for Russian Tea because they might mix them in the wrong order/measurements and make it taste WRONG.
  2. If you unconsciously repeat a silly phrase or word or name over and over and don't realize you're saying it out loud or that you've even been saying it in the first place. Plllacce. Plllaacce. Placeplaceplace. Plasssaaayaah!
  3. If you over think the order in which you wash your hair, face, and shave in the shower.
  4. If you over think EVERY SINGLE THING that could possibly have an order to it (cooking, cleaning, dressing). Clean sink, toilet, shower, floor. NO OTHER ORDER.
  5. When you feel anxiety or frustration over the simplest changes to your routine or schedule. I personally hate when I leave at exactly 10 minutes until my shift starts, and this little old lady going 10 under the speed limit makes me less than 5 minutes early. I go into KILL KILL mode.
  6. When your husband asks you, "Should we get a Student Driver car for our next vehicle so you can control the brakes when I drive?"...every other time you go anywhere in the car.
I never realized I was like that, until my husband lovingly mentioned it. Then when I thought about it, I realized HOLY CRAP I'M OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! Now I notice it in everything I do. But, I also try harder to squash the need to correct when my husband brakes, merges into another lane, uses his turn signal, speeds through a yellow light, doesn't slow down as much as I do when making a t....Hm. Maybe he's just a terrible driver.

Anyway, I know that a lot of bloggers post things they like that they think other people should/might like. I'm going to do that, because I often find ridiculous videos/pictures/songs on the internets and think other people would get a kick out them.

If we ever decide we want to spawn, this will be our guide to successfully raising kids. Notice the Millennium Falcon in the background.
I got this from The Bloggess and wanted to share it with you!
And here's a cover of it. I can't decide which I like better.

Finally, check out my jewelry! It'd make for a good present for you or your significant other, a niffty way to carry your keys, AND I could feed my shoe fix. You don't want me to go shoe hungry, do you? DO YOU??

You know you want it.

Hope your weekend was fun!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My Neighbors: An Auditory Journey

So, my husband and I live in a crappy apartment, in a neighborhood that is on the border of dying commercial and "the bad side of town". Honestly, I'm shocked that nobody's broken the windows out of my car yet. I think the people who live around us are busy screaming and yelling at each other, outside, where my husband and I gleefully watch them have their domestic dispute from our windows, inside. We don't have cable. Don't judge.
                                     Our Jersey Shore, minus the carrot and                 Photostock
add more screaming and fist throwing
Anyway, our apartment does have some interesting features. It has giant ugly radiators that do a surprisingly good job heating our crappy apartment, decent insulation, copious amounts of outlets, and relatively new windows. That's where the good attributes end. Let me list the negatively interesting features:

1. Many brownish ceiling tiles. That were once white. That leak water when the upstairs neighbor takes a bath. Ew.
These are over the stove.

2. A little 3'X3' stove with absolutely no temperatures on the dials. No, not worn off. NONE PUT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Hi I'm cute, inefficient, and make guesswork in cooking a daily practice!

3. A random hole in the wall where, perhaps, a dryer might have been. In the kitchen.

4. A random 4'X2' rectangular hole in the closet of our bathroom, which leads into the concrete space behind the shower.
I didn't take a picture of our basement. That is where our downstairs neighbor lives.
This is in our bathroom closet, where our towels and things go. There is no door for it.
We keep the closet door closed and locked.

And finally (to reach the point of my post), thin floors.
Sorry. I didn't have a picture to indicate thin floors. Use your imagination, children.

You have no idea how thin. People always say, "OMG THEY ARE SO LOUD I SWEAR I CAN HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING." Well, you people who say that and are exaggerating, I CAN hear exactly what my neighbor is saying, whether he's talking loudly or not.

Our floors are so thin I can hear him talking as if he's in the next room. If I'm in the bathroom peeing and he happens to have to go at the same time, I CAN HEAR HIM PEEING LIKE HE'S THERE WITH ME. You have no idea how creepy that is. And how hard it is to pee knowing he can hear you, too.

My neighbor is a smoker. Our bathroom reeks of cigarettes because he smokes in or near there. He either has emphysema, pneumonia, bronchitis, or a combination of the three, because I hear him coughing nasty phlegmy coughs and hacking up snot for HOURS every morning. It's so loud it wakes me up like an alarm.

Then there was that month where he randomly let a friend with a toddler and a baby stay over. Remember how I told you I can hear everything he says? I could also hear everything the baby screamed, the toddler screamed, and the mom and my neighbor screamed at the toddler and baby. It got to the point where we considered calling the cops because there was just so much yelling. Who tells a baby to "shut the fuck up"? Apparently my neighbor. Don't even justify it. As stressful as having kids is, you don't do that kind of stuff. Good parents don't scream profanities at crying babies.

Rubber glove hand says NO                       Ambro

He also invites his very loud friend over, and I'm fairly certain they're both stoned when they get together. The conversation goes as such:

Neighbor: "Mnuyo wmoyonuyo wom wom wom, maaan."
Friend: "Wudsa buynyum woommoyououzzu!"
Neighbor: "NAAAAAAH...nyum byumnuggwuyoo, maaan."
Friend: "?????????????????"
Neighbor: "???!!!?!!!?!?!?!?!!?????, maaaaaaan"

I wonder if they actually know what words the other is saying, or if it's like cavemen and, really, all grunts mean the same thing. It's like listening to a conversation between two Rocky Balboas.
"Mubmnyuwooza wuzauuup, maaaan."                            Wikipedia

"Om nom nom nom nom, dude."                       Source

Completely ridiculous. We'd move if it weren't so expensive. And entertaining.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Breaking Dawn: Acting Tips from Kristen Stewart

Hi. My name is Kristen Stewart. You may know me from such films as:

Panic Room


But most of you probably know me most recently as Bella in Twilight.


I'm sure a lot of you are wondering, "Is it hard being half of one of the most famous fictional couples to date?" The answer is yes. It's a lot to live up to, being Bella. I have to reach deep down inside for inspiration to draw on to be a love struck teenage girl. Sometimes I think of really sad things to help me feel agony.

Here I'm thinking about when I stubbed my toe 
Or lovey things when I'm in love.

Here I'm thinking about how much I love Robert.

Those are just a few, though. I'm going to help out some fellow acting fans who want to know my secrets. I'm going to give just a few pictures of the different ways I show emotion, along with some thoughts I'd been having to really help me feel those feelings and stuff.

He's going to kill me, so naturally I was terrified. I wanted to show fear, so here I thought about that time I saw a spider in the kitchen.

I was confused why Edward would leave me, being my undead soul mate and all, so I remembered  taking a really hard math test to convey unfathomable confusion.

In this scene I just woke up from the best night of love making with my new husband. I thought of that awesome burrito I ate the other day. Really, it was that good.
I'm so happy with my Edward here. In this shot I...oh...I'm not acting here. Huh. Never mind.

This is a good one. Probably some of my best acting. Here, Edward and I are consummating our relationship for the first time as husband and wife. I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking, but you can really see the ecstasy on my face here.

Anyway, those are just some of the ways that I have found help when you're having trouble getting the emotion on your face when you're acting. I'd like to think of myself as a very emotionally diverse actress, but I don't want to seem cocky.

I hope this helps.


P.S. You should check out By Your Heart Jewelry at It's awesome stuff.