Friday, January 27, 2012

Sometimes movies teach poor manners

Have you ever noticed that in movies people will just hang up on the other person without saying goodbye? Especially after they say something rude or the other person says something they don't want to hear?

Ever notice how it seems perfectly normal and nobody gets pissed that they were hung up on?

That is why movies are movies.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I just accidentally the Burt's Beeswax.

I say this to everybody, but I love my nephews. Conor is 2, very clever, and very particular about how he likes things. Lucas is 8 months old and probably the happiest baby I have ever seen. Seriously, this kid looks at you, and if you smile at him, he smiles and starts to giggle. 

Anyway, so I went over to visit my brother and sister today and Conor was "taking a nap". I quote that because my sister-in-law put him down for a nap an hour before I got there, and he was still awake and talking about wanting to go in the snow. So after another 30 minutes of hoping he'd fall asleep, my brother goes upstairs to get him and take him out to play.

Then we hear him say, "Ooohh, nnoooo."

You know, in that dejected, parental, "Oh god, why did you do that?" kind of voice.

He comes downstairs with him, and as soon as he rounds the corner, I can smell a strong minty sort of odor coming off of Conor from about 8 feet away. Then I see the tube of Burt's Beeswax lip balm in his hand, and suddenly it dawns on me what has happened.

My clever nephew decided to eat a large portion of the lip balm, and subsequently had it all over his face, in his hair, all over his fingers, and had rubbed it into his eyes (probably when wiping away tears when he was supposed to be napping).

Thankfully, Burt's Beeswax is not toxic, and he didn't eat too much of it. Plus, he had the lip balm smeared all over his cheeks, so my chapped lips felt a bit better when I gave him a kiss hello.

This is the same little boy who, 3 hours later, jumps up onto the foot rest and proclaims, "Conor on the hexagon!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I didn't know what a hexagon was when I was 2! And the fact that he recognized the shape of it to be a hexagon was incredible!

Love him.

Friday, January 20, 2012

IRS: I Really Suck, Guys

I hate the IRS. They use long, complicated forms that have long complicated explanations, then you sift through a long list of potentially useful phone numbers and call their help line and the automated system has a long list of vague and complicated options for you to sift through and then when you reach the right option, you wait 20 minutes for someone to confuse the shit out of you, AND when you go onto their website, thinking it'd be easier (because, come on folks, we all turn to the internet for its famed ease of passage), and find it's just as complicated and frustrating as those damn paper forms and the phone calls!

That was a very long run-on sentence that explains why I think the IRS stands for I Really Suck, Guys. The "G" is silent.

Only the IRS could make their website worse than just filling out the stupid paper form. That's why I think the IRS should have a Facebook page, so I can "like" it, then "unlike" it. It would give me a sense of satisfaction to do that, because there is nothing better.

Well, I just checked, and the IRS does, in fact, have a Facebook page. So, I made a small, boring collage of photos of me "liking" then "unliking" it:

They look so happy. Lies.

As if "liking" them isn't enough, they then asked, before confirming my "like", if I would recommend them to friends. I recommended them in my own special way.

Finally, before following proceeding to "unlike", I took notice of how many "likes" they had.

I don't care how silly and childish this was. I feel better. Facebook can be therapeutic.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Exercise is just an 8 letter word for suffering...a 9 letter word.

Why I don't walk much in the winter (and subsequently, why I gain weight in the winter):

Have you ever gotten that obnoxious stabby, prickly, itchy, I-WANT-TO-KILL-ALL-THINGS feeling in your legs after walking outside for a while when it's really cold?

Have you ever had that feeling so bad that all you could think about was scratching your legs (which makes it worse, of course) and KILLING ALL THINGS?

I have that.

That is why I avoid walking outside during the winter and gain weight.

Also, exercise is boring and time consuming.

We do come across wonderful sights during our walks, though:

Religious buildings in this city have an odd sense of spirituality...
Then there are signs prohibiting vague things.
We saw no fence, so we also told that sign
to fornicate with itself.
Often, the ground feels it is necessary to tell us where to go.
I tell it to go fornicate with itself.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

New beginnings for a new year

TA DAAAAAH! I dyed my hair dark brown!

I particularly love the amputated arms in this picture.

I felt like I needed it. I always choose to dye my hair darker every handful of years or so. And every other time I have done so, I usually regretted it immediately. The color was too light, too dark, too red. Plus, I never went to a hair stylist. I always had a friend or my poor mom do it for me.

This time was different, though. I decided I would pay the extra money to have it done professionally, and have the color I wanted. I said I wanted it a little darker than medium brown, and no red in it whatsoever. The stylist and I picked out two colors to mix, and VOILE! I have chocolate brown hair!

I haven't regretted it at all. It's the change I needed, the spark to jump start my new year out of a dreary and sad dullness that leads to me falling into mini self-esteem issues and feelings of depression that I won't be able to pull myself out of. But I feel bolder, stronger, funnier, prettier. I feel like I can achieve anything, and that if I can take a scary leap from blonde to dark brown hair (maybe only scary to me) and survive, I can do anything.

My husband is a wonderful man. He is kinder to me than I think I deserve, loving, and never ceases to tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Now I feel like I deserve those words. It's not just because I finally look as pretty as he says I am, but because I did something bold and daring, and he respects me for it and loves me for it.

It took a bit of strength to want to change something so much. If you knew me, you'd know how much I panic when any sort of big changes occur. Oh don't be mistaken. I panicked a little while I was sitting in the chair waiting for the dye to soak into the root and core of each individual strand of hair. I thought, "What if I don't like this? Oh, it looks SOO dark, and too reddish. I'd have to have my hair bleached again to strip it. It'll cost so much to fix, and destroy my hair! I'll have to cut it, and it took so long to get it this length. Oh god, oh god. I made a huge mistake." But, it passed within a few minutes of it coming, because I realized that sometimes there is no going back, and that change is ok, and can be so wonderful! I've experienced a number of wonderful big changes over the last 2 years (getting married, moving to Altoona for my husband's job). This initial change wasn't nearly as big as those, but the changes that will come from it will be.

All this from dying my hair. Sometimes the smallest ripple can create the biggest waves.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Learning outside of school is hard work

Today, I have made a few interesting decisions.

Number one: I am going to sign up for a beginner's yoga class. Why? All I do is sit on my butt all day and it'll be good for my body. Get some tone and whatnot. Plus, it'll get me out of the house and doing my own thing, which is also a good thing! I'll meet some new people, maybe make some more buddies!

Number teeeeeeew: I'm teaching myself to sign. Why? Well, there is the nicest older couple that come in to rent movies from the store where I work, and they are 100% deaf. I wish I could help them in a way that doesn't require both of us to write down everything we want the other person to know. So, I'm going to learn some simple and basic phrases just to make it easier.

They look like good, strong hands....
*Bonus points if you can figure out the reference*

Number tree: That one's a surprise! I can't say what or when it will arrive (because I'm not sure if my husband reads my blog with any regularity or not, and the surprise is for him), but rest assured before the week is out I will have pictures!

No, Mom and Dad, I'm not pregnant.

Anyways, quite an interesting week, that is for sure! I'm not sure whether anybody else has this song stuck in their heads, but if you don't, YOU WILL NOW. 

*Disclaimer: There is a lot of penis in this video, so don't watch it if you're uncomfortable. However, you can always just close your eyes...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Laundry Woes, Winter Blows

My question of the day:

How is it that, in a society where we can watch movies in 3D from home and phones that can dictate a voicemail and e-mail it to you, we don't have a liquid detergent that doesn't freeze?

I know, I know. Just use powder. But seriously, it needs to be created. Because powder detergent is annoying, and I never remember to bring the detergent in from the car (because I'd never remember to bring it with me to the laundromat otherwise), and I can't keep buying new, unfrozen detergent. I'll become broke because of rising costs of laundry detergent and the certain increase in gas mileage due to dozens of heavy, half-filled bottles of frozen detergent. It's an economic tragedy in the making!

Can't you see my dilemma, Walmart?

Also, the people who wash their stuff at the laundromat I go to always smell of farm animals or cats. Gross.

Monday, January 2, 2012

What I Learned from the Movie Apollo 18

Space crabs are WAY worse than Earth crabs.

Imagine this, but made of Moon rocks. And there is no crab murdering shampoo.

Space STDs don't fuck around, guys. Always use protection.
This message was brought to you by NASA.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

And a Happy New Year It Will Be

Happy 2012 everybody! I hope you have prepared a list of things you plan to achieve before we all die December 21st! I know I have!

With that in mind, I'm going to be cliché and write my own list of things I hope to achieve before the end of the world.

1. Whine less.

I whine and complain way too much. And while I realize I wrote this blog based on an outlet for my complaining and whining, I intend to do much less in person. I'll keep it to writing. Let me revise that, then. #1 will be "Whine less in person."

2. Panic and worry only when it's necessary. Like for a severed artery, or my apartment caving down around us, or the apocalypse on December 21st.

I have this innate nature for panic and worry. I feel like my brain is always prepared to jump into its own panic room, which is incredibly annoying because who enjoys the feeling of a pounding heart and thinking you're going insane? So, I will work extra hard to be calm, with the help of my fantastic husband. Because he helps a lot.

3. Be more active.

All I do is sit around. I'm lucky my metabolism is so high, otherwise I'd be 5x my weight. But I get stir crazy, and that tends to lead to sadness, which somehow always leads to panic and worry. SO, I'm going to make an effort to go do stuff. Maybe take judo classes so I can take out those creepy dudes who come to my workplace.

4. Make more friends.

I sound like my own parents when I say that. But honestly, it is really difficult for me to make friends. Probably because I like my current friends and it'd be so much easier if they moved to me rather than make new ones.

5. Continue to keep contact with my friends and family.

I'm so bad with keeping in touch. Ask anybody who knows and likes me. It's not that I mean to forget, but I've always been an out of sight out of mind kind of person. It's something about me that naturally makes me a dick, which I don't like. This year I will keep talking to friends and family on a regular basis. Because that will also help me not feel lonely in new places.

It will be an even better year than this one, and it wasn't too shabby of a year.